Dear Mr Principal of my child’s school
Re: Chronic Lateness
As per your request I am confirming receipt of your letter in regards to being late 30 times this school year. Thank you so much for pointing this out, I hadn’t actually noticed that we have been late nearly every day; this is absolutely brand new information!
I’d like to apologize for our tardiness and offer 30 reasons why we have not made it to school by 9am this school year. (Make that 31 since tomorrow will be another inevitable sh!t show).
1. 2. 3. 4. 5 This accounts for many days of lateness, but robbers keep breaking into our house at night and stealing our hats, gloves, and shoes. They only seem to steal one piece to each set, so they’re obviously working for some next level covert operation that we don’t even know about. We have contacted the police and we are hopeful that they can locate the mysterious disappearance of our cold weather gear, but in the meantime, we are sleeping with one eye open.
6. Did you know that car seats are infested with sharks? I didn’t either. But based on the force with which my screaming toddlers refuse to be strapped into their car seats in the morning, I’ve concluded two things: 1) car seats have shark teeth that gnash at children’s bottoms upon being seated 2) Making your body as stiff as a board for as long as possible while screaming uncontrollably is the best way to avoid being put into a car seat, and causes optimal stress levels to your car seat assailant.
7. My child decided he needed a shower at 8:55 am because he “had to go poop and the toilet paper wasn’t working right.”
8. 9. The dog snuck off in the night and hid a poop in the shag rug. What a fun game! The toddlers discovered said poop in the morning and decided it would be fun to play in it and eat it. This accounts for 2 days of lateness because only in my household can we be blessed with this wonderful ordeal occurring multiple times.
10. “Get dressed for school” translated to a child is “do something completely irrelevant that wastes 15 minutes and do NOT get ready for school.”
11. Peanut butter breakfast fight. Aka I’ve lost my will to live.
12. “Why is your brother bleeding?” and “stop eating dirt” are apparently just things I say in my house now. Cue the bath and band-aids.
13. It was 8:57 am and I’d been informed that the dog peed on my son’s winter coat. The replacement coat offered was not sufficient for the child as per his screaming refusal to wear it for 16 minutes straight.
14. 15. PARKING ENFORCEMENT was being all enforcey about not parking or stopping anywhere in the vicinity of the school or the planet earth. I decided that I wasn’t going to park 5 miles away only to wrestle toddlers into their stroller (see #6 re: shark teeth car seats and appendix b: getting them into strollers takes 40 minutes ). I opted instead to drive around the block until they vacated the premises.
Still received a $75 parking ticket in the mail a week later.
16. 17. 18. 19. Oh hey mom, we’re in the car now and I thought this was a good time to let you know that it’s wear red day, or donate something day, or show and tell day, or I need to bring money for something and now we’re going to have to go to the bank before school day.
20. 21. I laid in bed a little too long in the morning imagining I was drinking a pina colada on a beach in Mexico by myself, with the hot sun burning on my skin and hearing nothing but the sound of the waves and…….
Nevermind, my alarm clock went off.
22. 23. That time I walked into the twins room and found a war scene of explosive diarrhea. That time happened twice.
24. 25. I ran a marathon before school. And by marathon, I mean I chased toddlers in circles for 40 minutes trying to put on their socks, jackets and hats. It’s a great full body workout, and at the end, no one is wearing their socks, jackets or hats but you’re still breaking a serious sweat.
26. There was an argument with my child because I told him he could not in fact wear his underwear to school with a toothpaste stained Tshirt.
27. That day we made it to school on time and it was a PA day. No, it doesn’t fit into this list of reasons why we have been late but I thought you should know we were on time that day. Yas!
28. 29. There were no clean underwear or pants or socks. My job title should be laundry maid, and apparently I should be fired because even with the 8 million loads I do per week, there’s still never anything clean.
30. Sliding screen doors and naked MacGyver toddlers who escape sliding screen door lock mechanisms to go streaking in the back yard.
31. I don’t even know, this is just our life now.
In conclusion, I’d like to offer my apologies once again for our lateness and let you know that I’m being proactive about finding a solution as I am in the beginning stages of developing an app that allows you to send children to school using only your mind. I’m hoping it can also send me to that beach in Mexico where I have a Pina Colada waiting for me.