How to Avoid Your Wife in 10 Easy Steps

Is your wife on your case lately? Does she complain that you drink too much beer, don’t do enough around the house, and spend too much time with your butt glued to the couch? Is she constantly giving you the side eye for reasons you don’t quite understand? Don’t worry, we have compiled a foolproof list of 10 ways to completely avoid her incessant nagging and demands so that you can go back to living your best life at your Mom’s house in no time!

1. So you don’t want to carry in the groceries, help with the dinner, take out the garbage or listen to the kids scream? This particular method is only a temporary solution and one that can be utilized up to a maximum of 3 times a day before she starts to get suspicious, but it’s highly effective for avoidance of small tasks or annoyances. Take the poop escape route. Tell her you need to take a dump and stay in the bathroom for as long as possible. I repeat, AS LONG AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. 2-3 hours is best.

2. If she gives you a grocery list and you’re not in the mood for grocery stores or lists, waste no time or effort on this bogus list, it doesn’t sound important anyway. I mean there’s gotta be enough diapers to get by, and if not, you can probably make some out of duct tape and toilet paper, because you’re handy like that.

3. If your wife asks you to fix something around the house that you’re fully qualified to complete, but you’re okay with living in a shithole, just completely avoid it for 6 months (or more!) until something implodes and you have to move out of your home. Huzzah, you may be homeless now but at least she’s off your back!

4. Next time she texts you a list of errands to accomplish on your way home from work, ignore the list and get beer instead. Tell her you didn’t get the text until you were at home in the driveway. Offer her a beer as an apology.

5. She’s been budgeting the money; she said things are tight lately and that you need to cut back on spending temporarily. What a control freak! Don’t listen to that noise man, this is the PERFECT time to make a huge purchase for yourself. Go all out, buy that Mustang you’ve always wanted, you deserve it. Bills and groceries are overrated anyways.

6. She’s home with the kids all the time and needs a breather, so she’s leaving you with all of them while she goes to the store. ALL OF THEM. NOOoooo, this cannot happen! Make sure that when she returns, the house is absolutely destroyed, nobody is clothed, there’s a live alligator in the living room and maybe even lose a kid for good measure. Trust me, she won’t leave you with them ever again.

7. It’s the weekend, the kids are going stir crazy and you just want to sit on the damn couch with a beer for 48 hours, but she’s trying to plan yet another annoying activity to keep them occupied. ABORT THIS MISSION IMMEDIATELY. Tell her you’ve been called into work for an emergency job and go to a buddy’s house to drink beer instead.

8. She’s called you 6 times in a row at work. Answer, but before she can get a word in, tell her your boss is coming and you can’t talk, then HANG UP quickly before she can nag you some more or give you more lists. Better yet, find a cement truck to run your phone over and demolish it so she can’t call you at all. Doesn’t matter if you work at an office, just get creative and smash that sh!t!

9. You must never, under any circumstances, answer to your name being called, even if she is screaming it at the top of her lungs or seems to be in distress. She probably just wants you to help with some other crappy errand around the house. Train your brain to hear only compliments or things relating to sex or meat.

10. If she asks you to help with laundry, or dishes or any other household chore, oblige, but do the shittiest job humanly possible. Break her favorite mug, make sure a red shirt gets thrown in with the white load of laundry and stains everything pink, break the washing machine itself. YOU MUST DO WHATEVER IT TAKES so she will never ask you to help with these pesky chores again.

There you have it, you’ve managed to avoid your wife and her never ending demands! If you are sure to follow this list regularly and don’t falter, I can assure you that when you want to have sex with her, she will 110% likely to be in the mood. Winning!

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