So you’re pregnant with twins? Congratulations, what a blessing times two! This is a very exciting and magical time where your body will grow to accommodate not one, but 2 tiny miraculous humans.
And while it is a life changing experience that you will undoubtedly cherish, it also comes with its share of challenges. Which is why I have comprised this handy list of a few of my personal recommendations for surviving the first 3 years with twins.
Do: have a baby shower and start preparing a list of necessities including bouncy chairs, swings, a double stroller, a baby carrier (or two) and all the latest trendy baby gadgets.
Then throw that list away and ask everyone to bring you diapers, booze, and babysitting vouchers because you aren’t going to need all that other crap as much as you’ll need vodka and a nap.
Do: start stocking up on yoga pants and a shit ton of dry shampoo ASAP. Say goodbye to your real clothes and hello to crotch showers. Baby powder isn’t recommended for babies anymore but you can douse yourself in it and no one will even know how long it’s been since you’ve seen a loofah and hot water.
Do: learn how to nap with your eyes open. You’ll desperately need sleep but you must never take your eyes off these children. I repeat, NEVER. I blinked one time and one of my twins was swinging from the chandelier while the other was throwing knives at him.
Don’t: stress yourself out and spend a ton of money creating the nursery of your Pinterest dreams. By the time they are 18 months old, they will find a way to make a shank out of a decorative pillow and you’ll need to strip the entire room down to mattresses and padded walls. As a bonus you can keep the extra money you saved on an expensive nursery to invest in booze. I mean, diapers.
Do: invest in a dual video monitor. And 3 back up video monitors. As well as motion detectors, a security team, and interactive baby gates that can be controlled with your mind to accommodate all dimensions and areas of your home on command. Hopefully they will have invented baby gates with these capabilities by the time you give birth.
Don’t: RSVP to any important functions until they are 4 or 18ish. You won’t have the energy, the time or the will to attend, and the process of getting out of the house will take you longer than the time you’re actually going to spend at the event.
Don’t: attempt to take them anywhere in public by yourself between the ages of 2 and 3.5. I repeat, do not attempt this, unless you enjoy frantically chasing and attempting to capture two writhing naked suicidal toddlers in a public place for 45 minutes while bystanders film it on their cellphones.
Do: ask for help anywhere you can find it. If you don’t have family support there’s always Craigslist or sweet old people strangers at the grocery store. Trust me, they love kids, it’s cool.
Do: be prepared to shut down the annoying and repetitive cliché phrase “YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL” with this response: “Yes, I would love for you to lend a hand. This one has a shitty diaper you can change.”
Do: join a helpful mom Facebook support group or those specifically for moms of multiples. And by do, I mean don’t. Unless you enjoy voluntarily subjecting yourself to pictures of weird rashes and the insides of kid’s mouths and buttholes. When in doubt, consult with the Google Doctor, or you could try one of those real doctor thingies. I hear they know stuff about things, and are qualified to look at your kid’s butthole.
Don’t: forget to set aside some time for self care. And by ‘set aside some time’ I mean lololololol. And by self care I mean parking the minivan in the driveway with the kids strapped in (read: not able to escape) and happily watching cartoons on the DVD player while you scroll through your phone laughing at memes.
Don’t: let me scare you. Every child is different, every situation is different and my best advice is to learn to laugh at life and any of the challenges that come your way whenever possible. I hope you got a chuckle from this piece, because it was
highly exaggerated and completely unrealistic accurate. Besides, I know you’ll be awesome at this parenting thing and you’ll have 2 absolutely beautiful little munchkins to shower with love and affection.
But seriously, register for booze.