8 Steps to Achieve Advanced Aging

They say 40 is the new 20, but I say 40 can be the new 60 if you believe in yourself and put minimal effort into your daily routine.  People have been asking me for years what my secret is to advanced aging, and I’m finally ready to share these coveted tips with you, so you can start living your best life cashing in early on seniors discounts and afternoon naps.

1. Be mindful of the 4 basic food groups:  chocolate, booze, diet pop and pizza. Aim for 75% of your daily calories to come from sugar and carbohydrates, the other 25% should be bacon grease and salt.

2. Sun Exposure: get enough daily rays to roast yourself like a turkey. Remember Tanning Mom? BE THAT.

3. Water: AVOID that shit at all costs, it tastes awful and it’s unnecessary. Water is for your plants, booze is for your body. Water plants, booze your body, are you taking notes?

4. Caffeine: consume it in various forms all day long: coffee, tea, pop, chocolate….get optimal results by having it injected directly into your veins via IV if possible.

5. Sleep: is for losers, limit it to under 5 hours a night, TOPS!  You’ll sleep when you’re dead! Which will be even sooner if we stick to these 8 laws regularly.

6. Stress levels- increase your daily stress levels to at least 80-90%, if you’re not under constant stress, you’re going to keep that youthful glow we are trying to avoid.  Need more stress in your life? Keep a bunch of Pillsbury cans on hand and shove a spoon in them whenever you want to scare the shit out of yourself waiting for that jack in the box to unexpectedly pop.

7. Exercise- don’t bother, it doesn’t work after 30 anyways, especially under all that stress we are aiming for. You’ll want to spend the majority of your day on your ass; it’s best if you can avoid walking, standing, or other strenuous activities.

8. Anger management- don’t manage it and get stabby and ragey over everything, you’re Eminem and the world is your estranged wife Kim! AHHHHHHHH!  Furrow your brows regularly to permanently engrave those beautiful lines in your face, particularly the coveted 11’s between your eyes.

You only live once,  make sure you’re preparing that corpse to be weathered and worn, so it shows you had a damn good time. Who the hell wants 10 extra years of life when you’re in diapers eating soft foods at a nursing home? Not this cat!
Peace, love and zero fucks. Get it Granny!



5 thoughts on “8 Steps to Achieve Advanced Aging”

  1. I needed a good laugh and came across your IG page. Thanks for making today start out funny. I do all the things. I don’t feel so bad for it now anyway.


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