10 New Year’s Goals for the Underachiever

We’ve reached the end of another year, when people look at the calendar with unwavering optimism and vows to change themselves for the better. But when it comes to New Year’s resolutions and goals, my advice is to set the bar low and shoot for mediocrity.

Hear me out: while everyone else is shooting for the stars and beating themselves up each time they go off track, aiming for mediocrity ensures you can only win at losing!

Here’s a list of goals that anyone can achieve in 2019, especially if your soul is toxic sludge and your dream home is a garbage can.

  1.  Live your best life…..online. The goal is to eventually spend all of your waking hours online, and less time being involved in real human interactions. Let’s be honest, real life is just a vicious trap in a Groundhog Day existence doing shit you don’t want to do with people you can’t stand. The real fulfillment and happiness you need is on the internet, fam!
  2.  Have your cake, and eat it too. Indulge in pure gluttony this year and aim to gain at least 20-150 pounds by the end of 2019.  While everyone else is wasting precious time and energy in gyms taking selfies and chugging back chalk-flavored workout drinks, you’ll be sleeping in your Cheeto crumbs and eating cake for breakfast on the reg.
  3. Start a gratitude journal. Write down some of life’s simple pleasures that make you happy and grateful to be alive. Then light a match and set fire to it; life is wayyy too short to be documenting a bunch of bogus crap that no one really cares about. Complaining is way easier, and 100000 times more effective in keeping happiness at bay.
  4.  Eliminate the things that are holding you back or that no longer feed your soul. Remove people, obligations, apps, and anything that no longer serve a purpose in your new, authentic life. Honestly I would just ghost literally everyone you know other than the Uber Eats delivery driver and your drug dealer.
  5. Find a new hobby. Look for something that feeds your soul, such as excessive drinking, gambling, binge eating, or street fighting.  Some people might suggest yoga and meditation but those people drink infused dandelion smoothies and are constipated with suppressed rage.  They’re also the people you should kick the shit out of in a street fight.
  6.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. Instead, worry about the big stuff and live in a constant state of existential dread while curbing everyone’s advice to see a therapist. Therapists are actually crafty con artists that help cure you while secretly siphoning your money and your sense of humor right out of you against your will. Before you know it you’d be living in a cardboard box telling corny Dad jokes and writing in your gratitude journal. *cringe*
  7.  Be kind……..of a dick. When people say “be kind” what they’re really saying is “let people walk all over you” and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.  If you’re kind of a dick, you never have to worry about being taken advantage of, because people will avoid you like the plague and you can say screw that noise and effortlessly go back to living your best life online.
  8.  Never finish anything you start, beginning right now with this list that was supposed to include 10 New Year’s resolutions for underachievers, but is ending with 8 because ain’t nobody got time for 2 more things when we’re trying to be mediocre AF.

    Now get outta here and get started on your shitty existence before someone casts a New Year’s Eve spell on you that turns you into a good person at midnight.

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