I Planned To Eat a Sandwich, But I Gave Birth Instead

February 19th, 2015

“You failed your NST today, do you know what that means?” the OB nurse looked at me matter-of-factly while I sat on the hard gurney waiting for my 35-week ultrasound results.

I parted my lips to answer but before I could come up with a response, she tapped on her clipboard and said, “You’re probably going to be admitted to the hospital again, okay honey? We have to find you a room first, so if you want you can go to the cafeteria and grab some lunch, just come back here in about a half an hour.”

I was unfazed. Actually I was hungry so all I really heard was an invitation to have lunch and an uninterrupted nap. During my previous admission to the hospital for pre-term labor symptoms, I had my own private room, my meals delivered to me and zero responsibilities aside from letting my body cook the two babies that were in utero while the professionals monitored them. It was basically a vacation, but more sterile and with people accosting my body with medical devices several times a day.

I hobbled slowly to the cafeteria, now 35 weeks pregnant with twins and barely mobile. I was sure it would take me the full half an hour just to get to the cafeteria. My crotch bone felt like it was about to cave under the weight of my uterus and my lower back had all but given up hope on survival months ago.

Although I was mildly concerned about what had transpired during my ultrasound that had required 2 techs to gather around the screen and mumble things like “I don’t see any here, do you?” my rumbling tummy was too busy reminding me that I needed to devour some grub ASAP.

I killed a foot long sub in record time and played around on my phone before heading back to triage, where I was greeted by the nurse from earlier and a high risk obstetrician. The OB took a minute to explain that they couldn’t find any measurable amniotic fluid on Baby A, and then her next words floored me:  “You’re not being admitted for monitoring, we have decided it’s best for you to give birth today.”

“Like, now?” I asked in a panic. I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t have any of the shit they tell you to bring to the hospital like slippers and my own pillow or one of those cute birthing gowns and a birthing playlist with “Push It” by Salt N Pepa on it. My makeup looked like crap and I was going to need a fresh face for post birth photos. My breath reeked of onions from the sub, I definitely needed a toothbrush and a breath mint. OMG I though,  my hoo ha is probably bush league right now.

It also dawned on me that I was alone, I didn’t even have a husband there to annoy me while I expelled humans from my body. (Uhh, I mean share in this special moment together.)

I saw the OB reading my frantic expression, although she probably assumed I had a more logical thought process going on that revolved around the health of my babies and not the size of my bush.

“We’re going to get you in a delivery room right now and start the process of inducing you. Don’t worry, it will still be hours before the babies are delivered so as soon as we get you into the room you can call your husband and family.”

Before I knew it I was being wheeled to a delivery room and introduced to a slew of nurses and doctors and given an ugly hospital gown instead of the cute leopard one I should have ordered on Amazon.

“How much do you weigh, Stacey?” the nurse on duty asked me while recording things on her chart.  “A ton,” I lamented, followed with “Uh, I haven’t been weighed since I was 20 weeks along and I was hoping we could keep it that way.”

Luckily my nurse appreciated my sense of humor and she chuckled as she threw a guesstimate onto her chart that I caught a glimpse of later and nearly cried. I also warned her about the potential situation happening with my crotchal region.  “I haven’t been able to see down there in awhile, it’s kind of been a guessing game,” I apologized. She assured me that she saw vaginas all day and bushes were making a comeback.

I called my husband and my mom, the Doctor broke my water and the next few hours were a blur of needles being shoved into me, contractions, me cracking inappropriate jokes, and ultimately being wheeled into the blinding lights of the OR with a team of people hovered around my vagina. My mom took pictures and my husband held onto one of my dead legs for dear life. I couldn’t feel a thing and it was glorious.

The birth went smoothly and thankfully no medical intervention was needed that warranted delivering in the OR.  Baby A came out like a wrecking ball, and he was only handed to me long enough for me to say “You’re so beautiful! Disgusting, but perfect,” to his tiny slimy body before they whisked him away and carried on like it was a baby birthing assembly line.

Baby B arrived 10 minutes later and he was noticeably bigger and redder but every bit as slimy and perfect, but he too was whisked away from me before I had a chance to stare at him and decide if he had inherited my weird chin and resting bitch face.

I was able to admire my placenta for longer than I saw my children, the Doctor lifted up the sack of brain meat and said “It’s a….placenta!”  I think they may have even offered to wrap it in a blanket and let me hold it as consolation.

They whisked my body away like I was the afterbirth, the discarded baby maker that was no longer needed and could be dumped into a bin somewhere with the placentas.

My babies were somewhere in an incubator and it was jarring not seeing them, not holding them or feeding them, and not doing all of the things you typically get to do when you give birth, the way I had after I had my first born. I felt detached and useless but I tried to focus on the positives: I looked a lot skinnier than I did a few hours ago.

I inhaled a plate of spaghetti because my new supermodel body needed carbs and my sweet nurse was nice enough to offer her dinner to me. She could probably see me just wasting away now that I was 13 pounds lighter than the 468 pounds she recorded me at earlier.

The most important thing was that my babies were here, they were safe, they were being monitored by professionals and kept in an incubator because they were premature. But aside from seeing them for a few minutes in the incubator, I was brought back to my room that night to sleep without them and my hormones couldn’t handle it. I told my husband that I felt like I had given birth to someone else’s babies and I started crying.

The nurses brought me a breast pump machine to console me and told me to try and suction my tits to get my milk flowing. Stop crying and milk yourself, selfish woman!  The machine made loud grunting noises and tugged on my breasts while my tears turned to laughter as I compared myself to a cow.

My twins spent 10 days in the NICU mostly for observation, baby A was 5lbs and 3oz at birth and he had a heart murmur but was otherwise healthy. Baby B was 6lbs and 11oz at birth and had some extra blood and needed a CPAP for the first night to help him breathe, but he was also otherwise healthy.

I finally got to hold both of them at the same time when they were a week old and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I had only been able to hold them individually up until that point and I finally felt complete when they put them both in my arms. I also low key felt like a cat with a litter but so hashtag blessed and proud AF.

Another mom with a preemie in a pod nearby smiled at me while I grinned ear to ear holding my babies as a nurse took pictures.  I was incredibly happy but also silently panicking trying to figure out how the hell I was going to maneuver the two of them back out of my arms having no arms to use and I got a glimpse into my immediate future as a mom with twin infants.

My 5-year old son finally got to meet his brothers when we brought them home; the hospital had been under strict visitor regulations due to a flu outbreak and he had only seen pictures of them.

He was happy to meet his new brothers and even though it was chaotic at the time, our family was complete and we were full of love and floating on cloud 9 for those first few months. It was probably also caffeine and sleep deprivation clouds we were floating on, but it was a magical time nonetheless.

The memories are almost magical enough to drown out the sound of all 3 of them right now, 4 years later, screaming and trying to kill each other over Legos and making me wonder how I can get another free stay in the hospital for even a brief period of time. I’d pay for a sterile vacation right about now.

Happy Birthday My Loves

 

 

 

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10 New Year’s Goals for the Underachiever

We’ve reached the end of another year, when people look at the calendar with unwavering optimism and vows to change themselves for the better. But when it comes to New Year’s resolutions and goals, my advice is to set the bar low and shoot for mediocrity.

Hear me out: while everyone else is shooting for the stars and beating themselves up each time they go off track, aiming for mediocrity ensures you can only win at losing!

Here’s a list of goals that anyone can achieve in 2019, especially if your soul is toxic sludge and your dream home is a garbage can.

  1.  Live your best life…..online. The goal is to eventually spend all of your waking hours online, and less time being involved in real human interactions. Let’s be honest, real life is just a vicious trap in a Groundhog Day existence doing shit you don’t want to do with people you can’t stand. The real fulfillment and happiness you need is on the internet, fam!
  2.  Have your cake, and eat it too. Indulge in pure gluttony this year and aim to gain at least 20-150 pounds by the end of 2019.  While everyone else is wasting precious time and energy in gyms taking selfies and chugging back chalk-flavored workout drinks, you’ll be sleeping in your Cheeto crumbs and eating cake for breakfast on the reg.
  3. Start a gratitude journal. Write down some of life’s simple pleasures that make you happy and grateful to be alive. Then light a match and set fire to it; life is wayyy too short to be documenting a bunch of bogus crap that no one really cares about. Complaining is way easier, and 100000 times more effective in keeping happiness at bay.
  4.  Eliminate the things that are holding you back or that no longer feed your soul. Remove people, obligations, apps, and anything that no longer serve a purpose in your new, authentic life. Honestly I would just ghost literally everyone you know other than the Uber Eats delivery driver and your drug dealer.
  5. Find a new hobby. Look for something that feeds your soul, such as excessive drinking, gambling, binge eating, or street fighting.  Some people might suggest yoga and meditation but those people drink infused dandelion smoothies and are constipated with suppressed rage.  They’re also the people you should kick the shit out of in a street fight.
  6.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. Instead, worry about the big stuff and live in a constant state of existential dread while curbing everyone’s advice to see a therapist. Therapists are actually crafty con artists that help cure you while secretly siphoning your money and your sense of humor right out of you against your will. Before you know it you’d be living in a cardboard box telling corny Dad jokes and writing in your gratitude journal. *cringe*
  7.  Be kind……..of a dick. When people say “be kind” what they’re really saying is “let people walk all over you” and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.  If you’re kind of a dick, you never have to worry about being taken advantage of, because people will avoid you like the plague and you can say screw that noise and effortlessly go back to living your best life online.
  8.  Never finish anything you start, beginning right now with this list that was supposed to include 10 New Year’s resolutions for underachievers, but is ending with 8 because ain’t nobody got time for 2 more things when we’re trying to be mediocre AF.

    Now get outta here and get started on your shitty existence before someone casts a New Year’s Eve spell on you that turns you into a good person at midnight.

YQG Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

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It’s officially February, and Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Are you feeling stuck for gift ideas? Well look no further, because we have rounded up some of our favourite places to shop locally, so you can find a unique gift and feel good about supporting your community at the same time. (Click photos to enlarge.)

❤Gifts that pamper
Lashes, brows, and tans, oh my! Give the gift that keeps on giving with one of these pampering services they’re sure to appreciate.

LUX BROWS

Tanya Macri is the professional brow artist behind Windsor’s most beautiful microbladed brows, and Lux Brows is the first salon in the area to offer the hottest new non-surgical skin tightening procedure known as Plasma Skin Tightening. Give your lady the gift of perfect skin, a lash lift, or brows that are on point! Check out her website for more information on pricing and services and to book a service or purchase gift cards.
Photo of Tanya by: Eryn Shea Photography

facebook.com/luxbrowsonpoint
luxbrows.mysalononline.com
Instagram.com/luxbrows_on_point

BEACH BUM SPRAY TANNING

 

Get your glow on and banish those winter blues! Vegan, organic and safe, UV-free spray tanning is the best way to get bronzed any time of year. Book online, @mindbodyonline.com or stop by 13126 Tecumseh Rd East to pick up a Gift Certificate for that special someone.

www.beachbumorganicspraytanning.com
www.facebook.com/beachbumspraytanning
www.instagram.com/beachbumspraytanningwindsor

RESTORE MASSAGE THERAPY

Give the gift of relaxation this Valentine’s Day with Restore Massage Therapy, which is
conveniently located at 1614 Ottawa Street. Call 519 -256-6464 to book an appointment, or pop in to pick up a Gift Certificate.

www.facebook.com/restoremassagetherapyandwellness
www.instagram.com/restoremassagetherapy
519-256-6464

BROOKE ELIZABETH MAKEUP ARTIST AND XTREME EYELASH EXTENSION STLYIST

She’ll be batting her lashes at you for days when you purchase her a set of beautiful eyelash extensions from Brooke Elizabeth Make Up Artist / Xtreme Eyelash Extension Stylist, a home-based business in Amherstburg. Text for an appointment or to arrange to purchase a gift certificate, or get in touch on social media.

519-816-1222
https://www.facebook.com/brookeelizabethmua/
Instagram.com/brookeelizabeth_mua

YOUNIQUE MAKEUP BY ERIKA

The ultimate girl boss, Erika does nails, raises babies, makes cheesecakes, sells Younique and still finds time to be a promoter and encourager of other lady bosses! Check out these gorgeous new lip shades for the perfect Valentine’s date night pucker. Contact Erika for all of your makeup needs, and keep in touch on social media to see what promotions and customer kudos she has going on each month.

www.mzdivanailznlashes.com
www.instagram.com/mzdiva_nailz

❤Handmade gifts, made with love ❤
Support your local artists and crafters this Valentine’s Day and purchase a unique gift that your loved one is sure to admire.

EVB JEWELRY

 

Every Event Boutique is a local handmade business that distributes a stunning line of jewelry and fashion accessories that can be purchased online, in person, or through home parties. You will find a fabulous and fashionable selection of jewelry for every taste and any budget on their website. Check out their beautiful line of “Be Mine” Valentine’s Day jewelry available in their Etsy shop, we totally heart it!

www.facebook.com/EVBJewelry
www.etsy.com/ca/shop/evbjewelry
www.instagram.com/evbjewelry

A CUP OF PRETTY

An Amherstburg based home business, A Cup of Pretty creates unique and affordable customized glitter dipped wine glasses, coffee mugs & mason jar tumblers. Treat yo’ self or someone you love this Valentine’s Day, by purchasing through their website or contacting them via social to arrange a custom order.

www.facebook.com/acupofpretty
www.acupofpretty.com
www.instagram.com/cupofpretty

PICKET FENCE HANDMADE

Our home décor company that is affiliated with this blog specializes in unique, whimsical and humorous wood signs. You can shop directly through our Etsy shop and keep up to date with us on social media. Check out our line of free-standing decorative mini wood blocks made for all seasons and styles; there’s a few Valentine’s Day themed blocks left in our Etsy shop!

facebook.com/picketfencehandmade
Instagram.com/picketfencehandmade
etsy.com/shop/picketfencehandmade

BORDER CITY PRINTS

Border City Prints is a home-based, Health Canada approved provider of bath products that are fun and skin safe. They are offering adorable gift boxes for Valentine’s Day featuring themed bath bombs that look good enough to eat- contact them through Facebook to order.

www.facebook.com/bordercityprints
www.instagram.com/bordercityprints

URBAN ART MARKET


Your one stop shop for EVERYTHING handmade, with Valentine gifts to suit a variety of tastes made by over 30 local artisans. Pottery, jewelry, knitwear, wood signs and stationary are just a few of the amazing items they have to offer. Located at 548 Chilver Rd in the heart of Walkerville.

www.instagram.com/urbanartmarket
www.facebook.com/urbanartmarket

CHAR ELLE DESIGNS

Char Elle designs is a line of fashion forward women’s handmade and custom clothing designed and produced in Windsor, Ontario. Shop online or at their boutique located at 4651 Tecumseh Rd East. Check out these chic and sophisticated red pieces for Valentine’s Day, that jumpsuit and pencil skirt is giving us allll the heart eyes!

www.facebook.com/CharelleDesigns
www.charelle-designs.com
www.instagram.com/charelledesigns

❤Indulge
Whether it’s a gift card to a local restaurant, a Valentine’s Day dinner or something decadent to tempt the sweet tooth, it’s all here!

DENALI CHOCOLATES

Denali Chocolates is a local home-based business that is committed to providing you with the most stunning gourmet chocolate dipped strawberry platters, towers and customizable gift boxes for your special events. We have never seen strawberries look quite like this before; their beautiful tower of roses and chocolate covered strawberries is almost too pretty to eat! Contact them to order in time for Valentine’s Day.

www.facebook.com/Denali-Chocolates
www.instagram.com/denali_chocolates
Denalichocolates@gmail.com

KRISTY’S CUSTOM CAKES

Check out these adorable (and affordable!) Valentine’s gift boxes and baskets made by Kristy’s Custom Cakes, a home-based cake decorating business based out of McGregor.
Kristy’s provides custom cakes for all occasions; birthdays, Weddings, Showers, or Just Because. Contact via Facebook to order!

www.facebook.com/kristycakes15/
www.instagram.com/kristyscustomcakes
www.kristyscustomcakes.com

CARROTS N’ DATES

Are you even living in the #yqg if you haven’t been to Carrots N’ Dates yet? This raw, vegan café now has 2 locations to serve you-one in Walkerville and one in Tecumseh! Square Gift Cards can be purchased online from the comfort of your home, and Valentine’s themed gift cards are available if you want to send a loved one something special this upcoming holiday.

Ordering Square Gift Cards Link
www.facebook.com/carrotsndateswalkerville
www.carrotsndates.com
1090 Wyandotte St E in Windsor Phone: 519-962-5115
1125 Lesperance Rd. in Tecumseh Phone: 519-735-0447

HEALTHY MAMA

Why not treat him or her to a delicious 5-course plant-based Valentine’s Day dinner at Healthy Mama restaurant? This is a special set dinner menu that is 100% plant-based and gluten-free with limited spots, so call or email to reserve now. Healthy Mama also offers gift cards and has a retail shoppe filled with delicious products for the health conscious person in your life.

www.healthy-mama.com
info@healthy-mama.com
www.instagram.com/healthymama_food
www.facebook.com/healthymamafood
152 Lesperance rd.
Tecumseh, Ontario
519-956-9467

SUGAR SPOON BAKE SHOP

Specializing in classic and European baked goods and sweets, Sugar Spoon Bake shop is offering a special Valentine’s Day Menu as well as in-store grab and go Valentine themed treats through February 7th-14th. Order now via phone or online, or stop in and admire their gorgeous storefront.

3131 Forest Glade Drive
www.sugarspoonbakeshop.com
https://www.facebook.com/Sugar-Spoon-Bake-Shop-1782793818654491/
www.instagram.com/sugarspoonbakeshop
(519) 956-8484

❤Gifts for him
Treat him to something he will appreciate this Valentine’s Day, with dude-approved ideas for every budget.

WALKERVILLE BREWERY

It’s no secret that we just LOVE the Walkerville Brewery, and this Valentine’s Day you can purchase the perfect gift from their retail shoppe, or fridge. Fill up your Growlers (64 Oz.) and Stubbies (32 Oz.) with your favorite Walkerville beer, or pick up a Valentine’s Day themed gift pack featuring local craft beer. Their featured Gift Package is only $15 and includes: 1 x 750ml Bottle of RIS, 2 x pint glasses and comes gift wrapped w/ Be(er) Mine Valentine tag.

525 Argyle Rd, Windsor
www.walkervillebrewery.com
https://www.facebook.com/walkervillebrewery/

BENT ART & ACCESSORIES

Bent Art and Accessories offers beautiful eco-friendly wood accessories, bbq scrapers, dinnerware, cheeseboards and more, at affordable prices. Are you still searching for that unique gift for him? Their barn wood belt buckles are hand crafted with 115+ year old barn wood and reclaimed hardware and are available in their Etsy Shop and at the Urban Art Market store. Wood BBQ scrapers are another great choice for the grillin’ guy or gal in your life.

https://www.facebook.com/bentartaccessories
bentartaccessories.etsy.com
www.instagram.com/bentartaccessories

❤Gifts for the kids ❤

HOLLY POP KIDS

Dress your little ones in ahhh-dor-able fashion forward Valentine’s Day threads from Holly Pop Kids, an online and home-based boutique. Free local pickup is available, just shop online at the link below, but hurry, clothes this cute and affordable don’t last long.

www.hollypopkids.com
www.facebook.com/hollypopkids
Instagram.com/hollypopkids

 

❤And don’t forget the pets! ❤
Because fur babes need love too

FLUFF PETCARE

Fluff’s entire line of pet products is inspired by a love of animals, and most products are dual-purpose or interactive, meaning they are safe for both you and your fluffy friend. A portion of proceeds from some of their Valentine’s Day products goes to the Windsor Humane Society, so you can feel good about purchasing local and giving back at the same time. Check out their Valentine themed gifts in their Etsy shop, including downloadable pet Valentine’s and Cat Nip pom poms. Locals use code WINDSORSHIP to omit shipping charges.

www.instagram.com/fluff_petcare
www.facebook.com/fluffpetcare/
www.fluffpetcare.com/
www.etsy.com/shop/fluffpetcare

BONZAI GIFTS BY PET NANNY

Treat your pets to a gift pack by Bonzai Gifts by Pet Nanny, a local home-based business catering to your fur babies. Valentine’s Kitty Packs include a collar of your choice, 2 toys of your choice, and an XS cat bandana for only $20. The Doggy Bag contains a plush squeaky toy, medium bandana, 3/4″ collar of your choice and paw wax for only $45. You can shop directly from their Etsy shop or contact them for more information.

www.facebook.com/BonzaiGiftsbyPetNanny/
www.instagram.com/www.facebook.com/BonzaiGiftsbyPetNanny/
www.etsy.com/shop/bonzaigiftsbypetnanny

❤Share the love!❤
Brb, currently ordering everything on this list right now. If you are a local business and you are offering a Valentine’s Day themed gift or service that you want to share, we would love to hear about it! Feel free to post a link to your business or product in the blog comments or on this post on Instagram and help share the love for local. Thank you for supporting our YQG community, and don’t forget to subscribe to the blog and follow our Instagram pages.

Xo,
Stacey