35 Memes That Will Make you Feel Better About Being a Hot Mess

Bein’ a hot mess ain’t easy but it sure is common.

In fact, it’s one of the most popular topics in the parenting meme-iverse and recognized as the international symbol of acceptance among many parenting communities. Solidarity sister, we are in this sh*tshow together.

Check out these memes if you want to feel better about walking around all day with a chili stain on your crotch or accidentally sending a sext to your kid’s teacher. We gotchu, fam.

 
1.

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There’s nothing more versatile than the coveted baby wipe; you can use it for counters, asses and faces. (Just not in that order.)
Via @accidentalsupermom 

 

2.

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I’m not lying when I say that dishes are the worst. I’m also not lying when I say the Skip The Dishes app is my new best friend.
Via @fakeadultmom 
3.

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Ahh cereal, a dinner time staple. Can I interest you in Le Chocolat De Count or Crème de la Cheerios?
Via @draggingfeeties

 

4.

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I mean, I’m not going to do anything about it other than find a new excuse for my hot mess couture, but…..
Via @mom.wine.repeat

 

5.
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From pregnancy glow to aww hell no.  You might not even see it coming but after a few years of being a SAHM, there’s a trainwreck leaving the station and you’ll be on it.
Via @macaroniandmomjeans

 

6.

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Luckily for us hot mess moms,  camera filters have come a long way over the years and we can now easily hide those eye bags and chin hairs with a flip of a switch. Just don’t forget to flip that switch, because no one needs to know how hairy and sleep deprived we really are.
Via @momtransparenting

7.

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It’s complicated, don’t ask questions.
Via @askatewouldhaveit

 

8.
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Spoiler alert: Still a hot mess, but a hot mess with amazing hair.
Via @macaroniandmomjeans

9.

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Surely this is a conspiracy, right? My Snapchat filters have led me to believe that I’m supposed to have butterflies floating around my head, giant eyes and glowing skin at all times. So who’s that swamp donkey in the security camera? I demand answers!
Via @unicornmoms

 

10.

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I slipped into something a little more comfortable for you, I know how much you love Crocs and ripped sweatpants. Now get over here and run your fingers through my greasy hair before I’m not in the mood again.
Via @mommymemest

 

11.

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ICEBERG STRAIGHT AHEAD!! We’re all gonna dieeeee.
Credit unknown

 

12.

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You know what Susan, my kid is trying to take a dump behind that tree and I gotta bounce.
Via @itsmommyhour

 

13.

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You might be a hot mess if this is a recurring fear you have every time you’re out in public now.
Via @snarkybreeders

 

14.

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Where do I sign up because this is literally the only type of mom meetup I’d be on board for. I’ll bring the donuts and vodka.
Via @motherhaggard

 

15.

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TRYING is the key word here. Spoiler alert: I don’t.
Via @alyceoneword

 

16.

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THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! SEND BACKUP! And can you stop and grab me a latte from Starbucks when you’re on the way here? My caffeine levels are dropping rapidly and I may need an IV.
Via @stonecolddaddy

 

17.

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Friends don’t let friends feel bad about how clutter-filled and messy their house is. They just push some crap out of the way to make a path to the wine.
Via @momcomnyc
18.

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If you haven’t though about handing your kids off to strangers at least once, are you even a hot mess who is desperate for a break?
Via @bombingatmomming

19.

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It brings a tear to my eye *Sniffle*
Via @fromthebottomofmypurse

 
20.

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Mommy needs a LOT more beauty sleep okay, kids? Wake me up if anyone is bleeding or the house is on fire.
Via @motherplaylist

 

21.

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About to lose it in 3, 2, 1……
Via @momof1anddone

 

22.

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You mean 10 as in 10 thousand, right? *gulp*
Via @onefunnymummy

 

23.

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And that’s on a GOOD day to be honest.
Via @paigekellerman

 

24.

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The good news is that you can shove all your dresses into the back of your closet along with your razor.
Via @salty_mermaid_entertainment

 

25.

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I don’t care where we go or how bad my hair looks as long as there are no kids and lots of alcohol.
Via @alyceoneword

 

26.

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Wait, what are these real pants you speak of???!
Via @modernmomprobs 

 

27.

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I mean, it’s basically the same. Except way less f*cks and a lot more caffeine.
Via @modernmomprobs

 

28.

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I paid $50 for this shit, it better make me look like Beyoncé within the next hour.
Via @justlikeatvmom

 

29.

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Actually I can and I will. And if you have any more thoughts about this, tomorrow I’ll wear my robe and slippers too.
Via @reneecharytan

 

30.

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Mysterious and interesting, yes, that sounds so much nicer than shit show hot mess.
Via @wheretheeffismyhandbook

 

31.

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This is basically my mantra. Holla.
Via @lifeattiffanys

 

32.

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Make it a Venti Grande Tall Extra Large with 2 shots of new life who dis?
Via @fakeadultmom
33.

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Are there people who don’t do this? Teach me your sorcery.
Via @housewife_plus

 

34.

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All this junk is just adding a natural rustic touch to the wood grain, so who’s the real winner here?
Via @marriageandmartinis

 

35.

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The lady on the right looks like a hell of a lot more fun anyways. Just sayin.
Via @healthylivingforhotmesses

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35 Memes that Explain What Self-Care Looks Like as a Parent

If you’ve ever fantasized about doing absolutely nothing at all for an extended period of time, you might be a parent who is in desperate need of some me time. Let’s face it, the words parenting and self-care go together like kids and a clean house. Or DJ Khaled and not saying his name in every song he mixes. What I’m trying to say is, they don’t go together, at least not naturally.

We went over unconventional methods of self-care in my previous post The Desperate Mom’s Guide to Self-Care, and today I’m hitting you up with a barrage of memes that spell out what self-care (or lack thereof) looks like as a parent.  It’s a popular topic in the parenting community because WHO THE HECK ACTUALLY HAS TIME FOR THIS??

  1. Maybe lavender would be more calming if you were hiding from your kids in a lavender field for a week. Or you could try this:
    Screenshot_2019-03-20-13-12-08~2

Via @kristinakuzmic

 
2. Self-care as a parent is best when setting the bar low, and then lowering it more, and then throwing the bar away all together and hoping for a miracle.

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Via @Macgyveringmom22

 

3.  Even though you might not have time for self-care or sitting in a chair, you might have time to fantasize about it often, which is basically the same thing, right?

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Via @themomatlaw

 

4.  If online shopping, binge watching Netflix and inappropriate humor are wrong, I don’t want to be right.  And if this list isn’t self-care as a parent, I don’t know what is.

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Via @mommyowl

 

5.  Night time me is so ambitious; morning me is more realistic.

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Via @mommycusses

6.  Some may call this an unhealthy coping mechanism, but you don’t need to hear that kind of negativity in your life, it’s self-care.

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Via @oldkidsbooks and @neverendingmommy

7.   The best plans are no plans. Because sitting in your bed by yourself is self-care.

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Via @fakeadultmom

 

8.  I’d hang out in a manure farm if it meant I got to be alone for an hour. Okay maybe not a manure farm, but you get my drift.

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Via @goldfishandchickennuggets
9.  I pay $30 a month to have the occasional uninterrupted shower and I’m not mad about it.

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Via @lessonsfromtheminivan

 

10.  Self-care is what the Doctor ordered, too bad he didn’t have a script for it.

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Via @macaroniandmomjeans

 

11.  I prefer my pizza in my belly but this self-care aromatherapy bath looks (and probably smells) like heaven.

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Via @vegansmoothiemama

 

 

12.  When you’re a parent, anything can be self-care if you really believe in yourself.
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Via @lifeattiffanys

 

13.  When you get one self care appointment for the year, you need the all inclusive package.

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Via @humorandwine

 

14.  Sure yoga is cool, but have you tried a tranquilizer?

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Via @mimosaswithmoms
15.   Tropical getaways have a new definition when you’re a parent.

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Via @accidentalsupermom

 


16.   I’m not saying luxuries change after kids, but actually I am saying luxuries change after kids.

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Via @silkymamas

 

17. &18.   Whether you booze and meditate or booze and rage, I’m not judging your self-care routine.

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Via @mom.wine.repeat and @macaroniandmomjeans

 

19.  I don’t care, burn the house down, I’ll make s’mores.

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Via @realramblinma
20.  It’s only rock bottom if you’re parked at the edge of a cliff, you’re good boo.

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Via @macaroniandmomjeans

 

21.  CRAP.  See also: WORTH IT

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Via @howtobeadad

 

22.   Parenting: if you want uninterrupted self-care, you might want to try an induced coma.

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Via @mommymemest

 

23.   I think this is actually the definition of self-care in the Webster’s dictionary.

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Via @housewifeplus

 

24.  Why not take advantage of those first few months when your baby is a potato and bring them along for Botox appointments.

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Via @alrightmom

 

25.   If you’re taking notes, there’s a lot of hiding and very little seeking in the parent self-care game.

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Via @realtoughdad

 

26.  Them: tell me your wildest fantasy
Me:

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Via @mamasdoody

 

27.   Spoiler alert: you don’t get to relax
Screenshot_2019-03-20-16-24-55~2

 

Via @momtransparenting
28.   So many mythical creatures, so little time.

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via @mommyneedsamarg

 

29.  Take my money! WHERE DO WE SIGN UP FOR THIS?

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via @mommywinetime

 

30.   Lonely? Nah, this sounds like the definition of heaven.

Screenshot_2019-03-20-13-42-07~2

Via @katiebinghamsmith and @fromthebottomofmypurse

 

31.   Take notes: these are the real MVP’s when it comes to gifts for a mom.

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Via @askatewouldhaveit

 

32.  Parenting: where you’re willing to lose your limbs for a few minutes of alone time.

Screenshot_2019-03-20-13-35-37~2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Via @thenewstepford

 

33.  Speaking of hiding in the bathroom, did you bring snacks?

Screenshot_2019-03-23-18-43-09~2_resized

Via @mommyneedsalife

 

34.  Not everyone can afford a hotel, stop judging me Carol.

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Via @paigekellerman_writer

 

35.  Funny you mention it, I’m writing this blog post in this exact scenario. *fist bump*

Screenshot_2019-03-23-12-12-23~2_resized

Via @marriageandmartinis

25 Memes That Explain What it’s Like to be an Awkward Introvert Parent

Today is #nationalawkwardmoments day and if there was ever a national -insert random thing here- day that I could relate to on a soul level, this is it. (Other than national carbs and yelling day, but I don’t think that’s a thing yet.) If you’re awkward and you know it,  raise your hand and trip over your feet at the same time! Then read these memes, because you might relate to a few.

 

1. Hello, I’d like to order a lifetime supply of these name tags please; also maybe it could say “please don’t talk to me” at the bottom?

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Via @scarymommy on Instagram

2.   Sometimes you just gotta fire off that text and stress about it for a million hours afterwards, amirite? Whatever keeps us up all night…

 

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Via @lifeattiffanys on Instagram

3. My brain: Correction- everything was going well but now we bout to make shit real awkward. What should we do first to drive people away? Talk about diarrhea and hemorrhoids or sneeze into the punch bowl?
Screenshot_2019-03-18-15-27-25~2
Via: @mommymemest on Instagram

 

4. I really need more friends but I don’t really want more friends, know what I mean? Listen it’s complicated Karen, let’s just cancel this play date and reschedule never mmkay? Good talk.

Screenshot_2019-03-18-15-47-29~2

Via @silkymams on Instagram

5.  Don’t make it weird, I’m weird enough.

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Via: @snarkybreeders on Instagram


6.  My Brain: Shut up! Pay attention to the social cues!
My mouth: nah, don’t listen to that, just keep talking until they run away fam!

ZomboMeme 08032019223237
Via @macaroniandmomjeans on Instagram

 

7.   I’ve never felt so seen. If you feel this to your core, you might be an awkward introvert and you might be comforted to know that there are more of us out there, (mostly in hiding.)

Screenshot_2019-03-18-14-45-59~2
Via: @bombingatmomming on Instagram

8.  “It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, Now I’m Filled With Regret”:  the title of my autobiography.

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Via @playdatesonfridays on Instagram

9.  Okay byyyeee, it’s been great not catching up, ignore ya (I mean see ya) at the next forced social gathering.

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Via @draggingfeeties on Instagram

10.  Hmm, I don’t get it. *peers out from my spot behind the tree where I’m hiding from the other parents, only to find my child had joined me*
Screenshot_2019-03-18-14-20-17~2
Via @mymomologue on Instagram

11.  Introvert vacations: like regular vacations but without the people, overstimulation, noise and bright lights. See also: our beds.

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Via @stamfordmommy on Instagram

12.  I don’t like to brag but I’m committed to my fitness and avoiding people I know at all costs.
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Via @difficultmommy on Instagram

13. It’s really weird, my phone does this thing where it rings while I’m trying to scroll through Instagram and also I don’t understand why you’re not texting me.

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Via @cmonmama on Instagram

14.  And this is why my mom friends are mostly on the internet. *shrugs*

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Via @motherhoodunderstood on Instagram

15.  This is fine. I’m fine.

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Via @closetoclassy on Instagram

16.  I’d love to come to your thing except I’m lying and I’d rather stay home and binge watch shows while eating snacks.

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Via @closetoclassy on Instagram

 

17.   Would you look at the time? It’s awkward o’clock and time to find a new park.

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Via @the.nerd.dad on Instagram

18.  I mean, yeah, I’m the life of the party if the party is filled with people I know and if the party is in my bed and there’s no other people.
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Via @amyweatherly on Instagram

19. Please refer to my nametag in point #1 of this list.

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Via the.nerd.dad on Instagram

20.  Hey, do you guys like Guacamole and thrift stores? Who wants to play charades? No one? Cool, I’ll go first….

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Via @mommymemest on Instagram

21.  Dear cashier at Target, I thought we were friends after you asked me if I wanted a bag and that’s why I’m now telling you my life story.
Signed: a mom who doesn’t get out much

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Via @macaroniandmomjeans on Instagram

 

22.  Can I order this??

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Via @marriageandmartinis on Instagram

23.  My favorite kind of small talk is the kind where no one talks to me.
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Via @healthylivingforhotmesses on Instagram


24.  If this isn’t your manifesto, are you even an awkward mom?

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Via @themomatlaw on Instagram

25.   If I could have any superpower, it would be to make myself disappear when someone suggests this awful activity in a group setting.

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Via @macaroniandmomjeans on Instagram

I Planned To Eat a Sandwich, But I Gave Birth Instead

February 19th, 2015

“You failed your NST today, do you know what that means?” the OB nurse looked at me matter-of-factly while I sat on the hard gurney waiting for my 35-week ultrasound results.

I parted my lips to answer but before I could come up with a response, she tapped on her clipboard and said, “You’re probably going to be admitted to the hospital again, okay honey? We have to find you a room first, so if you want you can go to the cafeteria and grab some lunch, just come back here in about a half an hour.”

I was unfazed. Actually I was hungry so all I really heard was an invitation to have lunch and an uninterrupted nap. During my previous admission to the hospital for pre-term labor symptoms, I had my own private room, my meals delivered to me and zero responsibilities aside from letting my body cook the two babies that were in utero while the professionals monitored them. It was basically a vacation, but more sterile and with people accosting my body with medical devices several times a day.

I hobbled slowly to the cafeteria, now 35 weeks pregnant with twins and barely mobile. I was sure it would take me the full half an hour just to get to the cafeteria. My crotch bone felt like it was about to cave under the weight of my uterus and my lower back had all but given up hope on survival months ago.

Although I was mildly concerned about what had transpired during my ultrasound that had required 2 techs to gather around the screen and mumble things like “I don’t see any here, do you?” my rumbling tummy was too busy reminding me that I needed to devour some grub ASAP.

I killed a foot long sub in record time and played around on my phone before heading back to triage, where I was greeted by the nurse from earlier and a high risk obstetrician. The OB took a minute to explain that they couldn’t find any measurable amniotic fluid on Baby A, and then her next words floored me:  “You’re not being admitted for monitoring, we have decided it’s best for you to give birth today.”

“Like, now?” I asked in a panic. I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t have any of the shit they tell you to bring to the hospital like slippers and my own pillow or one of those cute birthing gowns and a birthing playlist with “Push It” by Salt N Pepa on it. My makeup looked like crap and I was going to need a fresh face for post birth photos. My breath reeked of onions from the sub, I definitely needed a toothbrush and a breath mint. OMG I though,  my hoo ha is probably bush league right now.

It also dawned on me that I was alone, I didn’t even have a husband there to annoy me while I expelled humans from my body. (Uhh, I mean share in this special moment together.)

I saw the OB reading my frantic expression, although she probably assumed I had a more logical thought process going on that revolved around the health of my babies and not the size of my bush.

“We’re going to get you in a delivery room right now and start the process of inducing you. Don’t worry, it will still be hours before the babies are delivered so as soon as we get you into the room you can call your husband and family.”

Before I knew it I was being wheeled to a delivery room and introduced to a slew of nurses and doctors and given an ugly hospital gown instead of the cute leopard one I should have ordered on Amazon.

“How much do you weigh, Stacey?” the nurse on duty asked me while recording things on her chart.  “A ton,” I lamented, followed with “Uh, I haven’t been weighed since I was 20 weeks along and I was hoping we could keep it that way.”

Luckily my nurse appreciated my sense of humor and she chuckled as she threw a guesstimate onto her chart that I caught a glimpse of later and nearly cried. I also warned her about the potential situation happening with my crotchal region.  “I haven’t been able to see down there in awhile, it’s kind of been a guessing game,” I apologized. She assured me that she saw vaginas all day and bushes were making a comeback.

I called my husband and my mom, the Doctor broke my water and the next few hours were a blur of needles being shoved into me, contractions, me cracking inappropriate jokes, and ultimately being wheeled into the blinding lights of the OR with a team of people hovered around my vagina. My mom took pictures and my husband held onto one of my dead legs for dear life. I couldn’t feel a thing and it was glorious.

The birth went smoothly and thankfully no medical intervention was needed that warranted delivering in the OR.  Baby A came out like a wrecking ball, and he was only handed to me long enough for me to say “You’re so beautiful! Disgusting, but perfect,” to his tiny slimy body before they whisked him away and carried on like it was a baby birthing assembly line.

Baby B arrived 10 minutes later and he was noticeably bigger and redder but every bit as slimy and perfect, but he too was whisked away from me before I had a chance to stare at him and decide if he had inherited my weird chin and resting bitch face.

I was able to admire my placenta for longer than I saw my children, the Doctor lifted up the sack of brain meat and said “It’s a….placenta!”  I think they may have even offered to wrap it in a blanket and let me hold it as consolation.

They whisked my body away like I was the afterbirth, the discarded baby maker that was no longer needed and could be dumped into a bin somewhere with the placentas.

My babies were somewhere in an incubator and it was jarring not seeing them, not holding them or feeding them, and not doing all of the things you typically get to do when you give birth, the way I had after I had my first born. I felt detached and useless but I tried to focus on the positives: I looked a lot skinnier than I did a few hours ago.

I inhaled a plate of spaghetti because my new supermodel body needed carbs and my sweet nurse was nice enough to offer her dinner to me. She could probably see me just wasting away now that I was 13 pounds lighter than the 468 pounds she recorded me at earlier.

The most important thing was that my babies were here, they were safe, they were being monitored by professionals and kept in an incubator because they were premature. But aside from seeing them for a few minutes in the incubator, I was brought back to my room that night to sleep without them and my hormones couldn’t handle it. I told my husband that I felt like I had given birth to someone else’s babies and I started crying.

The nurses brought me a breast pump machine to console me and told me to try and suction my tits to get my milk flowing. Stop crying and milk yourself, selfish woman!  The machine made loud grunting noises and tugged on my breasts while my tears turned to laughter as I compared myself to a cow.

My twins spent 10 days in the NICU mostly for observation, baby A was 5lbs and 3oz at birth and he had a heart murmur but was otherwise healthy. Baby B was 6lbs and 11oz at birth and had some extra blood and needed a CPAP for the first night to help him breathe, but he was also otherwise healthy.

I finally got to hold both of them at the same time when they were a week old and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I had only been able to hold them individually up until that point and I finally felt complete when they put them both in my arms. I also low key felt like a cat with a litter but so hashtag blessed and proud AF.

Another mom with a preemie in a pod nearby smiled at me while I grinned ear to ear holding my babies as a nurse took pictures.  I was incredibly happy but also silently panicking trying to figure out how the hell I was going to maneuver the two of them back out of my arms having no arms to use and I got a glimpse into my immediate future as a mom with twin infants.

My 5-year old son finally got to meet his brothers when we brought them home; the hospital had been under strict visitor regulations due to a flu outbreak and he had only seen pictures of them.

He was happy to meet his new brothers and even though it was chaotic at the time, our family was complete and we were full of love and floating on cloud 9 for those first few months. It was probably also caffeine and sleep deprivation clouds we were floating on, but it was a magical time nonetheless.

The memories are almost magical enough to drown out the sound of all 3 of them right now, 4 years later, screaming and trying to kill each other over Legos and making me wonder how I can get another free stay in the hospital for even a brief period of time. I’d pay for a sterile vacation right about now.

Happy Birthday My Loves

 

 

 

10 New Year’s Goals for the Underachiever

We’ve reached the end of another year, when people look at the calendar with unwavering optimism and vows to change themselves for the better. But when it comes to New Year’s resolutions and goals, my advice is to set the bar low and shoot for mediocrity.

Hear me out: while everyone else is shooting for the stars and beating themselves up each time they go off track, aiming for mediocrity ensures you can only win at losing!

Here’s a list of goals that anyone can achieve in 2019, especially if your soul is toxic sludge and your dream home is a garbage can.

  1.  Live your best life…..online. The goal is to eventually spend all of your waking hours online, and less time being involved in real human interactions. Let’s be honest, real life is just a vicious trap in a Groundhog Day existence doing shit you don’t want to do with people you can’t stand. The real fulfillment and happiness you need is on the internet, fam!
  2.  Have your cake, and eat it too. Indulge in pure gluttony this year and aim to gain at least 20-150 pounds by the end of 2019.  While everyone else is wasting precious time and energy in gyms taking selfies and chugging back chalk-flavored workout drinks, you’ll be sleeping in your Cheeto crumbs and eating cake for breakfast on the reg.
  3. Start a gratitude journal. Write down some of life’s simple pleasures that make you happy and grateful to be alive. Then light a match and set fire to it; life is wayyy too short to be documenting a bunch of bogus crap that no one really cares about. Complaining is way easier, and 100000 times more effective in keeping happiness at bay.
  4.  Eliminate the things that are holding you back or that no longer feed your soul. Remove people, obligations, apps, and anything that no longer serve a purpose in your new, authentic life. Honestly I would just ghost literally everyone you know other than the Uber Eats delivery driver and your drug dealer.
  5. Find a new hobby. Look for something that feeds your soul, such as excessive drinking, gambling, binge eating, or street fighting.  Some people might suggest yoga and meditation but those people drink infused dandelion smoothies and are constipated with suppressed rage.  They’re also the people you should kick the shit out of in a street fight.
  6.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. Instead, worry about the big stuff and live in a constant state of existential dread while curbing everyone’s advice to see a therapist. Therapists are actually crafty con artists that help cure you while secretly siphoning your money and your sense of humor right out of you against your will. Before you know it you’d be living in a cardboard box telling corny Dad jokes and writing in your gratitude journal. *cringe*
  7.  Be kind……..of a dick. When people say “be kind” what they’re really saying is “let people walk all over you” and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.  If you’re kind of a dick, you never have to worry about being taken advantage of, because people will avoid you like the plague and you can say screw that noise and effortlessly go back to living your best life online.
  8.  Never finish anything you start, beginning right now with this list that was supposed to include 10 New Year’s resolutions for underachievers, but is ending with 8 because ain’t nobody got time for 2 more things when we’re trying to be mediocre AF.

    Now get outta here and get started on your shitty existence before someone casts a New Year’s Eve spell on you that turns you into a good person at midnight.

19 Memes that Spell Out What Women Want From Their Husbands

Husbands, do you feel like your wife is too complicated to understand and often difficult to please? Well say no more fam, because we have comprised this handy guide in the form of memes that spell out exactly what she wants (and doesn’t want) to help you get into her mind, possibly her pants and to prevent your untimely death.

  1.  LET HER SLEEP, FOR WHEN SHE WAKES SHE MAY BE HORNY.
    According to @snarkybreeders your sex appeal will increase by 400% if you let her enjoy several hours of uninterrupted sleep. Via Snarky Breeders on Instagram.Screenshot_2018-10-16-19-45-18_resized
  2.   TAKE THE KIDS AND LEAVE.
    Just go literally anywhere with the kids for an extended period of time, without prompting or warning.  A week long vacation would be best, but she’ll settle for a few fucking hours of peace.Via Ramblin’ Mama on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-56-50_resized
  3.  Wipe the asses, suck the snot out with the nose Frida, and cook the dinner. Maybe not in that order but you get the drift. You’re basically Jason Momoa to your wife now.
    Via Relaxing Mommy on Instagram.screenshot_2018-10-16-20-56-39_resized.png
  4.   Nothing says good old fashioned married people romance like a man who gets up with the kids in the morning. See also #1: Let her Sleep and appendix C: Sex.
    Via Macgyvering Mom on Instagram
    Screenshot_2018-10-16-20-15-24_resized
  5.  Dayummm, I think we’re all a little jealous of @whineandcheezits hubby, who is obviously in the running for Husband of the Year Award. I mean, I’m sure we’d all be happy with a man bringing dinner home but guys, SHOOT FOR THE STARS, take notes from this guy, he’s obviously a legend and probably has a lot of sex. Just sayin’
    Via Whine and Cheezits on Instagram Screenshot_2018-10-16-18-08-12_resized
  6. Would you rather be stabbed during an afternoon nap or have sex with your wife? The choice is yours bayybeee.
    Via Not the WORST Mom on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-41-20_resized
  7.  If you don’t want to star in an upcoming Netflix murder special featuring your wife as the knife-wielding psychopath, and your balls as the victim, don’t be excessively late.
    Via Marriage and Martinis on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-59-11_resized
  8. Her body not only held the humans, but it also expelled the humans, so it’s your turn to experience a little genital discomfort and get the vasectomy bro.
    Via It’s Mommy Hour on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-49-19_resized
  9.   I mean, do I really even need to caption this one for you? Everything is out in the open, and it very well could be for you too, if you put the kids to bed tonight, if you know what I’m sayin. *wink, wink*
    Via Mommy Cusses on Instagramscreenshot_2018-09-17-12-46-59_resized-e1543810298219.png
  10.  Send her for some pampering, or on an all expenses paid trip to Tahiti, whatever, just let her enjoy some self-care sans children. Locking herself in the bedroom with cookies isn’t cutting it anymore.
    Via Mom Com NYC on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-21-01-24_resized
  11. Sure, compliments are nice, but telling her she has a nice ass probably won’t get you any. If you’re married with kids, the best way to win her heart is to do your part around the house.  And not just when you want sex guys, we’re on to you. 

Via Marriage and Martinis on Instagram

screenshot_2018-10-16-20-15-17_resized.png

12.  Are you sensing a theme here yet?  Good, because we heard that repetition is important for committing things to long term memory, but if not, there’s always screenshots, using your saved folder, emailing it yourself, tattooing it on your body, whatever it takes.
Via Snarky Breeders on Instagram

screenshot_2018-10-16-21-00-31_resized.png

13.  Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mother
Mother who?
Mother f*cker, just listen to your wife. Trust me, it’s the strongest form of foreplay.

Via Silky Mamas on Instagram
Screenshot_2018-11-16-10-32-54_resized

14. Be David Beckham. With all the advancements in modern day technology, it’s not crazy to think that you couldn’t pay a few thousand bucks to look like the sexy soccer star. Victoria Beckham always looks ready for action so you know he’s doing something right.

Creator: unknown

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15. Remember the movie Fight Club? Well this is kinda like that except the first rule of being happily married is to NEVER tell your wife to calm down or to stop overreacting, unless of course, you want her to get ragey and try to fight you.
Via Her View From Home on Instagram

. Screenshot_2018-10-16-20-54-18_resized

16.  If you think the romance bar is set too high, think again. Washing her booby machine will have her looking at you like Ariana Grande looked at that Pete dude during their month-long f*ckfest.
Via Mom Unraveled on Instagram

Screenshot_2018-10-16-20-14-24_resized

17.  Did we already mention cleaning the kitchen and putting the kids to bed? Well this time, it involves wine, so there’s bonus points to infinity when you give her wine and take care of some shit around the house. Plus, everyone loves a drunk wife.
Via Macgyvering Mom on Instagram

Screenshot_2018-09-17-12-43-53_resized

18. It’s so much sexier when a man can figure shit out himself, even if it means dumpster diving for those directions you tossed.
Via Goldfish And Chicken Nuggets on Instagram

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19.   Nobody wants an unhappy wife who murders. Prevent premature husband death by keeping a close eye on your drinks and sleeping with one eye open. Just kidding, just do some of the shit on this list on a regular basis and she won’t have to kill you or hire a hitman, plus she might even want to bone you on the regular,  the end.
Via Not the WORST Mom on Instagram

Screenshot_2018-10-16-20-40-53_resized

 

8 Steps to Achieve Advanced Aging

They say 40 is the new 20, but I say 40 can be the new 60 if you believe in yourself and put minimal effort into your daily routine.  People have been asking me for years what my secret is to advanced aging, and I’m finally ready to share these coveted tips with you, so you can start living your best life cashing in early on seniors discounts and afternoon naps.

1. Be mindful of the 4 basic food groups:  chocolate, booze, diet pop and pizza. Aim for 75% of your daily calories to come from sugar and carbohydrates, the other 25% should be bacon grease and salt.

2. Sun Exposure: get enough daily rays to roast yourself like a turkey. Remember Tanning Mom? BE THAT.

3. Water: AVOID that shit at all costs, it tastes awful and it’s unnecessary. Water is for your plants, booze is for your body. Water plants, booze your body, are you taking notes?

4. Caffeine: consume it in various forms all day long: coffee, tea, pop, chocolate….get optimal results by having it injected directly into your veins via IV if possible.

5. Sleep: is for losers, limit it to under 5 hours a night, TOPS!  You’ll sleep when you’re dead! Which will be even sooner if we stick to these 8 laws regularly.

6. Stress levels- increase your daily stress levels to at least 80-90%, if you’re not under constant stress, you’re going to keep that youthful glow we are trying to avoid.  Need more stress in your life? Keep a bunch of Pillsbury cans on hand and shove a spoon in them whenever you want to scare the shit out of yourself waiting for that jack in the box to unexpectedly pop.

7. Exercise- don’t bother, it doesn’t work after 30 anyways, especially under all that stress we are aiming for. You’ll want to spend the majority of your day on your ass; it’s best if you can avoid walking, standing, or other strenuous activities.

8. Anger management- don’t manage it and get stabby and ragey over everything, you’re Eminem and the world is your estranged wife Kim! AHHHHHHHH!  Furrow your brows regularly to permanently engrave those beautiful lines in your face, particularly the coveted 11’s between your eyes.

You only live once,  make sure you’re preparing that corpse to be weathered and worn, so it shows you had a damn good time. Who the hell wants 10 extra years of life when you’re in diapers eating soft foods at a nursing home? Not this cat!
Peace, love and zero fucks. Get it Granny!

 

10 Things I Didn’t Expect From FB Mom Groups

While mom groups can be beneficial to many new or seasoned mothers for information, advice, and to help lessen the feelings of isolation during the years of rearing small children, here are 10 things I didn’t expect to find in the ever-popular trend of mom groups.

1. Welcome to the mom group, here are the 994 rules you must abide by being in this mom group, and you must sign a waiver, take an oath, cut yourself and sign a paper in your blood, mail it to 25 other group members, say you AGREE, post a picture of your lady parts so we know you’re legit, and if you don’t obey the rules you get blocked and murdered in your sleep. Seriously, admins will cut you.

Me:

2. “I need to lose the baby weight fast. What should I do?”
Most popular comments in the thread of 600+: “Do Meth” and “Starve Yourself”

Brb, just looking for my local meth dealer so I can develop a potential life-threatening drug habit in order to shed a few pounds. WUT.

3.  “Look at my kids infected bunghole!! What is this??” *posts pic of child’s infected bunghole for all of the interweb to see*

*Fast forward 20 years to little Aiden seeking counselling for that time his mom put his infected orifices on the internet for everyone to see.*

4. That time Susan from Pennsylvania creeped Cheryl’s profile (a total stranger) found out who her husband was (also a total stranger), and sent him screenshots of all the shit Cheryl talked about him in the mom group.

FYI, before you tell everyone in a “private” Facebook mom group about your husband’s affinity for wearing women’s underwear, just remember, people like Susan exist. And screenshots last forever.

5. Similarly, Karen hated Becky’s opinion on circumcision and wanted her dead, so she tried to screw up her life by sending screenshots from the group to Becky’s employer.

I can see the News Headline now: Woman gets fired from job for threatening to “cut a judgy bitch” in a Facebook mom group.

6. SMASH OR PASS.

I’m not entirely sure why moms would rate other moms on their smashability, unless they were legitimately into other women in which case, I’m pretty sure there are apps for that.  Yo Brenda, you have nice tits and everything but I’mma go smash a D.

7. The car seat police team *cue sirens*

A Mom posts a seemingly innocent picture of her adorable kid eating ice cream in the car seat, and out come the barrage of car seat experts flashing their official car seat police badges to serve and protect by telling moms their children will DIE if they’re not in an 18 point harness until age 64.

8. Exit speeches.

“You bitches are all judgmental bitches! I though this is supposed to be a judgment-free group. I’m OUT! Leaving this group right now.” *Middle finger emojis to infinity.*

Okay bye Tina, thanks for the zero memories because no one even knows who you are. BTW I wouldn’t smash.

9. “Not trying to be controversial or start an argument here but…” actually I am trying to start an argument here because this is going to become the longest thread on this page, where 45 people will cry for admin help, 30 will post Wikipedia links, 6 people will threaten to call CPS/CAS, and a partridge in a pear tree.

10.  “Is my man cheating? I caught him having intercourse with another woman but I can’t be sure if his penis was actually inside of her vagina. This is the 18th time this has happened this month.

No, no he’s not. Poor guy must be possessed by some sex-addicted demon! Have you tried finding an exorcism specialist in your area?

 

The Desperate Mom’s Guide to Self-Care

When you have kids, especially small children who depend on you for survival, making time for self-care may seem like an impossible feat.

You probably feel like you put yourself, your social life and even your hygiene on the back burner to tend to the needs of everyone else.  At the end of the day, you might be too exhausted to accomplish much more than staring at wall in the fetal position or indulging in some mindless social media scrolling until you pass out in a pile of Cheeto crumbs.

So I’ve compiled a handy list of 10 foolproof ways to sneak in some YOU time throughout the course of your chaotic day, but first we are going to start with a quick exercise that involves making a list of all of the things you used to do for fun and relaxation before you had small children. Got it? Good.

Next, you’ll want to ball that list up in your fist and launch it aggressively into the garbage. This isn’t college anymore, the only version of a wet T-shirt contest that you will be participating in is the kind where your boobs are unknowingly lactating through your shirt, mmmkay?  It’s time to put those carefree drinking and frolicking days behind you, and embrace this glorious shitshow that is #momlife.

WARNING: This list applies to desperate mamas who have children hanging from their limbs at least 75% of the time and/or who are on the verge of losing their shit. Proceed with caution.

1. Master the ancient Chinese art of sleeping with your eyes open.  Look, we know you love little Bobby, but if you have to see him do that thing he does on the trampoline for the 487th time, you might stab out your own eyeballs. Sleeping with your eyes open  allows you to discreetly catch some much needed Zzzz’s whenever you need to mentally check out. Maybe you’ll practice this fine art in the car when you’re waiting for your child in the school drop off line, or during a long winded church sermon, at a Birthday Party, play place, or even during sex! Who cares, you’re too tired to actually be conscious for most of this stuff.

2. Find a hobby. Some people like collecting coupons, some like doing crack, it’s all about balance. Disclaimer: I don’t recommend crack. I also don’t think coupon cutting is an ideal hobby either, but whatever keeps you off drugs, man!

3. Drive, drive, and drive some more until they are asleep. Then park and scroll, scroll, scroll through memes on your phone. The free WiFi at Walmart reaches the parking lot, just sayin. Also see #1: sleep

4. Find a Babysitter, as in leave your children with old people at the grocery store because good babysitters are impossible to find in 2018! You know the type, the sweet little old ladies who tell you how cute your kids are and reach out to pinch their cheeks. Aahhh, they just seem so sad and desperate for an opportunity to entertain some kids, so you’ll actually be doing them a favour by giving them a child to babysit. Simply hand your kids over to these polite strangers and slay that grocery list solo, Mama. Can you smell that freedom? It might also be the smell of a restraining order, but it’s totally worth it.

5.  Take a bath. Light some candles, draw a bath, get out your favourite essential oils and break out your Best of Rod Stewart playlist. Then burn all of that, and burn the house down with it. Self-care, bitch! Disclaimer: Not entirely sure where I was going with that, but if you’re considering setting things on fire to control stress, you might want to start thinking about anger management therapy. But yeah, good luck finding time for a candlelit bath.

6. Don’t make any time for self-care. Instead, let all of your stress and responsibilities bubble over until you have a mental breakdown that requires a brief but necessary hospitalization. Imagine laying in a bed all day while people take care of YOU for once?! Forced drugs and electric shock therapy? Pfffttt, that sounds like a vacation compared to making lunches and incessantly yelling at everyone to put the mother effing toilet seat down, amirite!? Let that bat shit crazy beast within you fly high and embrace the strait jacket. You won’t regret it.

7. Start a book club. And by books I mean wine. And by club I mean it’s just you. Alone. Drinking wine. For bonus self-care points, keep a flask in the diaper bag and chug back a few shots of the holy water whenever Susan from the PTA starts drilling into you about the upcoming mother effing bake sale, or Brenda at the park tries to sell you on her 4th MLM business of the month.

8. Take up running. As in, whenever the kids are acting up and pushing you to the very limits of your limitations, just f*cking run away. BYE.

9. Meditate. Except instead of finding a calm place to draw in the positive energies from the earth, find a place literally anywhere to scream a string of obscenities at the top of your lungs. You’ll feel 100 times better once you’ve exhausted every swear word in the dictionary and created at least 50 new ones.

10. Fake your own death (temporarily). Look, we’re not trying to leave our families and move to an island, although I’m not here to judge. But if it’s been a ridiculously long time since you’ve had a sanity break and you’re hovering between Britney 2007 and everyday Kanye, it’s time to fake your own death or kidnapping.

Unfortunately I haven’t worked out the logistics of executing this plan effectively, but if you watch enough episodes of Criminal Minds you can probably formulate a plot that allows you to reemerge from a hostage situation after a few weeks or months, unscathed but inexplicably well-rested and tanned. Keep me posted, I’ll be here to take notes.

If you were hoping for a more insightful and practical list of self-care ideas, I apologize, but I’m in the same sinking boat with you when it comes to lack of free time, and my self- care routine currently involves heavy sarcasm, making memes and eating cake. You’re not alone; some days I’m just trying not to drown in mom duties whilst reminiscing about the days that I could fit into my size 6 jeans and had names like “hot guy who buys shots” programmed into my phone.

But here’s the good news; if you made it through this entire article, and maybe even had a chuckle or two, you have just completed 9 whole minutes of doing something entirely for yourself, which equals 9 minutes of what? You got it: self-care!! See what I did there?👏👏👏👏 You’re welcome.

Vomit on my Sweater, Mom’s Spaghetti; a Tale of Stage Fright

What’s your dream job? Mine has always been an SNL skit writer/actor, or comedy entertainer.

One of my (many) goals with my blog was to ultimately make parody videos and skits to really let you all in on my occasionally overly animated and weird personality that doesn’t always translate well in writing or pictures. (Or even in real life unless you really know me and have lived through and understand my level of awkwardness.)

You aren’t able to grasp my tone of voice, sarcastic undertones, facial expressions, impersonations and occasional jerk-off motions in writing, so I’ve been wanting to share more of that with you.  Some of my influences include Rebel Wilson, Melissa McCarthy, Kristin Wiig, the late and great OG Chris Farley, as well as Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, and pretty much every funny person who ever lived.

Five years ago when I quit my office job, I had decided it was time to stop trying to fit this round peg into a square hole and to start living out my creative passions and entertainer urges. So I brainstormed, researched and did a bit of Googling, and I ultimately decided to sign up for a Second City stand-up comedy class in Toronto. Yup, I signed up for a once a week class, in a city 4 hours away from my home.

Some of my favorite comedic legends trained at the Second City, so I figured it would be a great place to start. Having recently completed a Live Your Best Life workshop that posed the question about my passions, comedy was the first thing that came to mind. The workshop focused on self improvement and overall well being, and it helped empower me to break down my fears and visualize what my ideal life and career would look like.

It also helped me to accept myself as a round peg in a square hole, and understand that my mind is completely wired in “R mode” as my 11th grade art teacher referred to it. Right brainers, where you at? Who needs logic when we have all this creativity to use!

So I took the leap! I drove out to Toronto once a week for the entire duration of the program, to try my luck at comedy because I knew I was passionate about laughing and making people laugh. The last “class” was an actual performance in front of an audience at a comedy club in Toronto. GULP.

AND I SUCKED. BAD. Like vomit on my sweater, mom’s spaghetti. I kept on forgetting what I wrote down, the whole crowd got so loud, I opened my mouth but the words wouldn’t come out, I was choking now.

Eminem lyrics aside, my anxiety got the best of me. I wanted to literally DIE as the bright lights shone on my red cheeks and I choked on my own saliva while desperately trying to recall any part of my act.

I even resorted to calling out to my husband in the crowd, “Hey hunny, what the hell is my act about?” which people responded to with laughter (yay!) but only because they assumed it was all part of the schtick. But in my sad reality I was actually desperately hoping he’d throw me any line from the act that I had rehearsed in front of him 800 times and had now forgotten.

It was a huge blow to the dreams I had of becoming an entertainer, much like the former singing career I had attempted in my 20’s. I was capable of singing, writing and recording songs behind the curtains, doing my best Britney stage twirls and hair flips in the comfort of my home, but put me on stage and actually open those curtains and I would forget how to person, much less sing or perform.

One time a bandmate even placed a keyboard on stage with me so I could pretend to play along to the music; my hope was that it would distract people from my awkwardness on stage. Naturally, I then started worrying more about the audience suspecting that I wasn’t actually playing the keyboard than my quivering voice and trembling knees. Anxiety is a real treat, friends.

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Ultimately, my journey into discovering my passions and looking for a related career led me to home décor and decorating. (Cough, safe, cough.) After the on-stage embarrassment, I quickly talked myself out of comedy and signed up for an online Interior Decorating course. I ended up starting my wood sign décor business for some extra cash, and that kept me busier than I imagined I ever would be.

The home décor business allowed me to be creative and passionate from the comfort of my home, but without the fear of being vulnerable or judged. But this isn’t where I want my story to end. The “problem” with the creative mind is that it is completely full of ideas all the time; add an entrepreneur spirit to the mix and it’s a recipe for a brain bubbling over with Shark Tank visions.

But in comes the self doubt. It is inhibiting my confidence for making comedy videos and REALLY putting myself out there, back on stage but without the stage. It’s a lot easier “performing”  in your own home without all of those eyeballs staring at you in real time

I just haven’t grown the balls or found the time. And I think, what’s the point? I’m 36, it’s not like I’m going to land my dream job on Saturday Night Live now, at nearly effing 40, from a blog or Youtube post, nonetheless. What if I’m not even funny and I suck, and it’s like the stand-up act all over again?

But then I have to tell myself that none of that is the point, the point is that I love and live for humor and I want to bring humor to the world, even if it means completely making an ass out of myself for the sake of making someone laugh and relate. Correction:  ESPECIALLY if it means making an ass out of myself for the sake of making someone laugh and relate.

So why am I telling you about all of this? Well, I’m mostly just warning you about what is probably not destined to happen in the near future, so people don’t think it’s coming way out of left field, because it’s something I’ve wanted to do since the first time I made someone laugh.

I’m also trying to give myself a pep talk in the process. If a couple people are like “yeah girl I laugh at your shit all the time, your Instagram has me in stitches, let’s see what else you’ve got!” then I might build up a bit more confidence to get some of these ideas out of my noggin and onto video. Help me, I’m scared.

And right on cue, in chimes that bitch self doubt again saying, girlllllll, they’d only tell you to record videos because they want to laugh at you, not with you. STAY SAFE, give the people something to pin on Pinterest, people lovvvve that shit!  Talk about your crafts and your home décor hacks, and your stupid diet that isn’t working. Show people all the shit you’ve done from Pinterest, don’t do the weird stuff!

I will say this, we have already made serious progress, friends. I actually started a blog numerous times over the past 10 years and always kept it private before ultimately deleting it. This is my first public blog, hazzaah! Maybe in another 10 years I’ll post my first video, and by that time I’ll be in my late 40’s so it will likely be about menopause and how to make a mean casserole.

Narrator: Stay tuned to the next episode (aka blog post) to find out if Stacey decides to post that funny video, or talk about something truly exciting like home décor. Bom bom bommmmm. Spoiler alert the next episode is about watching paint dry.

One day, maybe we’ll rip that Band-aid off and do the weird stuff.