10 New Year’s Goals for the Underachiever

We’ve reached the end of another year, when people look at the calendar with unwavering optimism and vows to change themselves for the better. But when it comes to New Year’s resolutions and goals, my advice is to set the bar low and shoot for mediocrity.

Hear me out: while everyone else is shooting for the stars and beating themselves up each time they go off track, aiming for mediocrity ensures you can only win at losing!

Here’s a list of goals that anyone can achieve in 2019, especially if your soul is toxic sludge and your dream home is a garbage can.

  1.  Live your best life…..online. The goal is to eventually spend all of your waking hours online, and less time being involved in real human interactions. Let’s be honest, real life is just a vicious trap in a Groundhog Day existence doing shit you don’t want to do with people you can’t stand. The real fulfillment and happiness you need is on the internet, fam!
  2.  Have your cake, and eat it too. Indulge in pure gluttony this year and aim to gain at least 20-150 pounds by the end of 2019.  While everyone else is wasting precious time and energy in gyms taking selfies and chugging back chalk-flavored workout drinks, you’ll be sleeping in your Cheeto crumbs and eating cake for breakfast on the reg.
  3. Start a gratitude journal. Write down some of life’s simple pleasures that make you happy and grateful to be alive. Then light a match and set fire to it; life is wayyy too short to be documenting a bunch of bogus crap that no one really cares about. Complaining is way easier, and 100000 times more effective in keeping happiness at bay.
  4.  Eliminate the things that are holding you back or that no longer feed your soul. Remove people, obligations, apps, and anything that no longer serve a purpose in your new, authentic life. Honestly I would just ghost literally everyone you know other than the Uber Eats delivery driver and your drug dealer.
  5. Find a new hobby. Look for something that feeds your soul, such as excessive drinking, gambling, binge eating, or street fighting.  Some people might suggest yoga and meditation but those people drink infused dandelion smoothies and are constipated with suppressed rage.  They’re also the people you should kick the shit out of in a street fight.
  6.  Don’t sweat the small stuff. Instead, worry about the big stuff and live in a constant state of existential dread while curbing everyone’s advice to see a therapist. Therapists are actually crafty con artists that help cure you while secretly siphoning your money and your sense of humor right out of you against your will. Before you know it you’d be living in a cardboard box telling corny Dad jokes and writing in your gratitude journal. *cringe*
  7.  Be kind……..of a dick. When people say “be kind” what they’re really saying is “let people walk all over you” and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.  If you’re kind of a dick, you never have to worry about being taken advantage of, because people will avoid you like the plague and you can say screw that noise and effortlessly go back to living your best life online.
  8.  Never finish anything you start, beginning right now with this list that was supposed to include 10 New Year’s resolutions for underachievers, but is ending with 8 because ain’t nobody got time for 2 more things when we’re trying to be mediocre AF.

    Now get outta here and get started on your shitty existence before someone casts a New Year’s Eve spell on you that turns you into a good person at midnight.

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19 Memes that Spell Out What Women Want From Their Husbands

Husbands, do you feel like your wife is too complicated to understand and often difficult to please? Well say no more fam, because we have comprised this handy guide in the form of memes that spell out exactly what she wants (and doesn’t want) to help you get into her mind, possibly her pants and to prevent your untimely death.

  1.  LET HER SLEEP, FOR WHEN SHE WAKES SHE MAY BE HORNY.
    According to @snarkybreeders your sex appeal will increase by 400% if you let her enjoy several hours of uninterrupted sleep. Via Snarky Breeders on Instagram.Screenshot_2018-10-16-19-45-18_resized
  2.   TAKE THE KIDS AND LEAVE.
    Just go literally anywhere with the kids for an extended period of time, without prompting or warning.  A week long vacation would be best, but she’ll settle for a few fucking hours of peace.Via Ramblin’ Mama on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-56-50_resized
  3.  Wipe the asses, suck the snot out with the nose Frida, and cook the dinner. Maybe not in that order but you get the drift. You’re basically Jason Momoa to your wife now.
    Via Relaxing Mommy on Instagram.screenshot_2018-10-16-20-56-39_resized.png
  4.   Nothing says good old fashioned married people romance like a man who gets up with the kids in the morning. See also #1: Let her Sleep and appendix C: Sex.
    Via Macgyvering Mom on Instagram
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  5.  Dayummm, I think we’re all a little jealous of @whineandcheezits hubby, who is obviously in the running for Husband of the Year Award. I mean, I’m sure we’d all be happy with a man bringing dinner home but guys, SHOOT FOR THE STARS, take notes from this guy, he’s obviously a legend and probably has a lot of sex. Just sayin’
    Via Whine and Cheezits on Instagram Screenshot_2018-10-16-18-08-12_resized
  6. Would you rather be stabbed during an afternoon nap or have sex with your wife? The choice is yours bayybeee.
    Via Not the WORST Mom on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-41-20_resized
  7.  If you don’t want to star in an upcoming Netflix murder special featuring your wife as the knife-wielding psychopath, and your balls as the victim, don’t be excessively late.
    Via Marriage and Martinis on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-59-11_resized
  8. Her body not only held the humans, but it also expelled the humans, so it’s your turn to experience a little genital discomfort and get the vasectomy bro.
    Via It’s Mommy Hour on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-20-49-19_resized
  9.   I mean, do I really even need to caption this one for you? Everything is out in the open, and it very well could be for you too, if you put the kids to bed tonight, if you know what I’m sayin. *wink, wink*
    Via Mommy Cusses on Instagramscreenshot_2018-09-17-12-46-59_resized-e1543810298219.png
  10.  Send her for some pampering, or on an all expenses paid trip to Tahiti, whatever, just let her enjoy some self-care sans children. Locking herself in the bedroom with cookies isn’t cutting it anymore.
    Via Mom Com NYC on InstagramScreenshot_2018-10-16-21-01-24_resized
  11. Sure, compliments are nice, but telling her she has a nice ass probably won’t get you any. If you’re married with kids, the best way to win her heart is to do your part around the house.  And not just when you want sex guys, we’re on to you. 

Via Marriage and Martinis on Instagram

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12.  Are you sensing a theme here yet?  Good, because we heard that repetition is important for committing things to long term memory, but if not, there’s always screenshots, using your saved folder, emailing it yourself, tattooing it on your body, whatever it takes.
Via Snarky Breeders on Instagram

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13.  Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mother
Mother who?
Mother f*cker, just listen to your wife. Trust me, it’s the strongest form of foreplay.

Via Silky Mamas on Instagram
Screenshot_2018-11-16-10-32-54_resized

14. Be David Beckham. With all the advancements in modern day technology, it’s not crazy to think that you couldn’t pay a few thousand bucks to look like the sexy soccer star. Victoria Beckham always looks ready for action so you know he’s doing something right.

Creator: unknown

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15. Remember the movie Fight Club? Well this is kinda like that except the first rule of being happily married is to NEVER tell your wife to calm down or to stop overreacting, unless of course, you want her to get ragey and try to fight you.
Via Her View From Home on Instagram

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16.  If you think the romance bar is set too high, think again. Washing her booby machine will have her looking at you like Ariana Grande looked at that Pete dude during their month-long f*ckfest.
Via Mom Unraveled on Instagram

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17.  Did we already mention cleaning the kitchen and putting the kids to bed? Well this time, it involves wine, so there’s bonus points to infinity when you give her wine and take care of some shit around the house. Plus, everyone loves a drunk wife.
Via Macgyvering Mom on Instagram

Screenshot_2018-09-17-12-43-53_resized

18. It’s so much sexier when a man can figure shit out himself, even if it means dumpster diving for those directions you tossed.
Via Goldfish And Chicken Nuggets on Instagram

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19.   Nobody wants an unhappy wife who murders. Prevent premature husband death by keeping a close eye on your drinks and sleeping with one eye open. Just kidding, just do some of the shit on this list on a regular basis and she won’t have to kill you or hire a hitman, plus she might even want to bone you on the regular,  the end.
Via Not the WORST Mom on Instagram

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8 Steps to Achieve Advanced Aging

They say 40 is the new 20, but I say 40 can be the new 60 if you believe in yourself and put minimal effort into your daily routine.  People have been asking me for years what my secret is to advanced aging, and I’m finally ready to share these coveted tips with you, so you can start living your best life cashing in early on seniors discounts and afternoon naps.

1. Be mindful of the 4 basic food groups:  chocolate, booze, diet pop and pizza. Aim for 75% of your daily calories to come from sugar and carbohydrates, the other 25% should be bacon grease and salt.

2. Sun Exposure: get enough daily rays to roast yourself like a turkey. Remember Tanning Mom? BE THAT.

3. Water: AVOID that shit at all costs, it tastes awful and it’s unnecessary. Water is for your plants, booze is for your body. Water plants, booze your body, are you taking notes?

4. Caffeine: consume it in various forms all day long: coffee, tea, pop, chocolate….get optimal results by having it injected directly into your veins via IV if possible.

5. Sleep: is for losers, limit it to under 5 hours a night, TOPS!  You’ll sleep when you’re dead! Which will be even sooner if we stick to these 8 laws regularly.

6. Stress levels- increase your daily stress levels to at least 80-90%, if you’re not under constant stress, you’re going to keep that youthful glow we are trying to avoid.  Need more stress in your life? Keep a bunch of Pillsbury cans on hand and shove a spoon in them whenever you want to scare the shit out of yourself waiting for that jack in the box to unexpectedly pop.

7. Exercise- don’t bother, it doesn’t work after 30 anyways, especially under all that stress we are aiming for. You’ll want to spend the majority of your day on your ass; it’s best if you can avoid walking, standing, or other strenuous activities.

8. Anger management- don’t manage it and get stabby and ragey over everything, you’re Eminem and the world is your estranged wife Kim! AHHHHHHHH!  Furrow your brows regularly to permanently engrave those beautiful lines in your face, particularly the coveted 11’s between your eyes.

You only live once,  make sure you’re preparing that corpse to be weathered and worn, so it shows you had a damn good time. Who the hell wants 10 extra years of life when you’re in diapers eating soft foods at a nursing home? Not this cat!
Peace, love and zero fucks. Get it Granny!

 

10 Things I Didn’t Expect From FB Mom Groups

While mom groups can be beneficial to many new or seasoned mothers for information, advice, and to help lessen the feelings of isolation during the years of rearing small children, here are 10 things I didn’t expect to find in the ever-popular trend of mom groups.

1. Welcome to the mom group, here are the 994 rules you must abide by being in this mom group, and you must sign a waiver, take an oath, cut yourself and sign a paper in your blood, mail it to 25 other group members, say you AGREE, post a picture of your lady parts so we know you’re legit, and if you don’t obey the rules you get blocked and murdered in your sleep. Seriously, admins will cut you.

Me:

2. “I need to lose the baby weight fast. What should I do?”
Most popular comments in the thread of 600+: “Do Meth” and “Starve Yourself”

Brb, just looking for my local meth dealer so I can develop a potential life-threatening drug habit in order to shed a few pounds. WUT.

3.  “Look at my kids infected bunghole!! What is this??” *posts pic of child’s infected bunghole for all of the interweb to see*

*Fast forward 20 years to little Aiden seeking counselling for that time his mom put his infected orifices on the internet for everyone to see.*

4. That time Susan from Pennsylvania creeped Cheryl’s profile (a total stranger) found out who her husband was (also a total stranger), and sent him screenshots of all the shit Cheryl talked about him in the mom group.

FYI, before you tell everyone in a “private” Facebook mom group about your husband’s affinity for wearing women’s underwear, just remember, people like Susan exist. And screenshots last forever.

5. Similarly, Karen hated Becky’s opinion on circumcision and wanted her dead, so she tried to screw up her life by sending screenshots from the group to Becky’s employer.

I can see the News Headline now: Woman gets fired from job for threatening to “cut a judgy bitch” in a Facebook mom group.

6. SMASH OR PASS.

I’m not entirely sure why moms would rate other moms on their smashability, unless they were legitimately into other women in which case, I’m pretty sure there are apps for that.  Yo Brenda, you have nice tits and everything but I’mma go smash a D.

7. The car seat police team *cue sirens*

A Mom posts a seemingly innocent picture of her adorable kid eating ice cream in the car seat, and out come the barrage of car seat experts flashing their official car seat police badges to serve and protect by telling moms their children will DIE if they’re not in an 18 point harness until age 64.

8. Exit speeches.

“You bitches are all judgmental bitches! I though this is supposed to be a judgment-free group. I’m OUT! Leaving this group right now.” *Middle finger emojis to infinity.*

Okay bye Tina, thanks for the zero memories because no one even knows who you are. BTW I wouldn’t smash.

9. “Not trying to be controversial or start an argument here but…” actually I am trying to start an argument here because this is going to become the longest thread on this page, where 45 people will cry for admin help, 30 will post Wikipedia links, 6 people will threaten to call CPS/CAS, and a partridge in a pear tree.

10.  “Is my man cheating? I caught him having intercourse with another woman but I can’t be sure if his penis was actually inside of her vagina. This is the 18th time this has happened this month.

No, no he’s not. Poor guy must be possessed by some sex-addicted demon! Have you tried finding an exorcism specialist in your area?

 

The Desperate Mom’s Guide to Self-Care

When you have kids, especially small children who depend on you for survival, making time for self-care may seem like an impossible feat.

You probably feel like you put yourself, your social life and even your hygiene on the back burner to tend to the needs of everyone else.  At the end of the day, you might be too exhausted to accomplish much more than staring at wall in the fetal position or indulging in some mindless social media scrolling until you pass out in a pile of Cheeto crumbs.

So I’ve compiled a handy list of 10 foolproof ways to sneak in some YOU time throughout the course of your chaotic day, but first we are going to start with a quick exercise that involves making a list of all of the things you used to do for fun and relaxation before you had small children. Got it? Good.

Next, you’ll want to ball that list up in your fist and launch it aggressively into the garbage. This isn’t college anymore, the only version of a wet T-shirt contest that you will be participating in is the kind where your boobs are unknowingly lactating through your shirt, mmmkay?  It’s time to put those carefree drinking and frolicking days behind you, and embrace this glorious shitshow that is #momlife.

WARNING: This list applies to desperate mamas who have children hanging from their limbs at least 75% of the time and/or who are on the verge of losing their shit. Proceed with caution.

1. Master the ancient Chinese art of sleeping with your eyes open.  Look, we know you love little Bobby, but if you have to see him do that thing he does on the trampoline for the 487th time, you might stab out your own eyeballs. Sleeping with your eyes open  allows you to discreetly catch some much needed Zzzz’s whenever you need to mentally check out. Maybe you’ll practice this fine art in the car when you’re waiting for your child in the school drop off line, or during a long winded church sermon, at a Birthday Party, play place, or even during sex! Who cares, you’re too tired to actually be conscious for most of this stuff.

2. Find a hobby. Some people like collecting coupons, some like doing crack, it’s all about balance. Disclaimer: I don’t recommend crack. I also don’t think coupon cutting is an ideal hobby either, but whatever keeps you off drugs, man!

3. Drive, drive, and drive some more until they are asleep. Then park and scroll, scroll, scroll through memes on your phone. The free WiFi at Walmart reaches the parking lot, just sayin. Also see #1: sleep

4. Find a Babysitter, as in leave your children with old people at the grocery store because good babysitters are impossible to find in 2018! You know the type, the sweet little old ladies who tell you how cute your kids are and reach out to pinch their cheeks. Aahhh, they just seem so sad and desperate for an opportunity to entertain some kids, so you’ll actually be doing them a favour by giving them a child to babysit. Simply hand your kids over to these polite strangers and slay that grocery list solo, Mama. Can you smell that freedom? It might also be the smell of a restraining order, but it’s totally worth it.

5.  Take a bath. Light some candles, draw a bath, get out your favourite essential oils and break out your Best of Rod Stewart playlist. Then burn all of that, and burn the house down with it. Self-care, bitch! Disclaimer: Not entirely sure where I was going with that, but if you’re considering setting things on fire to control stress, you might want to start thinking about anger management therapy. But yeah, good luck finding time for a candlelit bath.

6. Don’t make any time for self-care. Instead, let all of your stress and responsibilities bubble over until you have a mental breakdown that requires a brief but necessary hospitalization. Imagine laying in a bed all day while people take care of YOU for once?! Forced drugs and electric shock therapy? Pfffttt, that sounds like a vacation compared to making lunches and incessantly yelling at everyone to put the mother effing toilet seat down, amirite!? Let that bat shit crazy beast within you fly high and embrace the strait jacket. You won’t regret it.

7. Start a book club. And by books I mean wine. And by club I mean it’s just you. Alone. Drinking wine. For bonus self-care points, keep a flask in the diaper bag and chug back a few shots of the holy water whenever Susan from the PTA starts drilling into you about the upcoming mother effing bake sale, or Brenda at the park tries to sell you on her 4th MLM business of the month.

8. Take up running. As in, whenever the kids are acting up and pushing you to the very limits of your limitations, just f*cking run away. BYE.

9. Meditate. Except instead of finding a calm place to draw in the positive energies from the earth, find a place literally anywhere to scream a string of obscenities at the top of your lungs. You’ll feel 100 times better once you’ve exhausted every swear word in the dictionary and created at least 50 new ones.

10. Fake your own death (temporarily). Look, we’re not trying to leave our families and move to an island, although I’m not here to judge. But if it’s been a ridiculously long time since you’ve had a sanity break and you’re hovering between Britney 2007 and everyday Kanye, it’s time to fake your own death or kidnapping.

Unfortunately I haven’t worked out the logistics of executing this plan effectively, but if you watch enough episodes of Criminal Minds you can probably formulate a plot that allows you to reemerge from a hostage situation after a few weeks or months, unscathed but inexplicably well-rested and tanned. Keep me posted, I’ll be here to take notes.

If you were hoping for a more insightful and practical list of self-care ideas, I apologize, but I’m in the same sinking boat with you when it comes to lack of free time, and my self- care routine currently involves heavy sarcasm, making memes and eating cake. You’re not alone; some days I’m just trying not to drown in mom duties whilst reminiscing about the days that I could fit into my size 6 jeans and had names like “hot guy who buys shots” programmed into my phone.

But here’s the good news; if you made it through this entire article, and maybe even had a chuckle or two, you have just completed 9 whole minutes of doing something entirely for yourself, which equals 9 minutes of what? You got it: self-care!! See what I did there?👏👏👏👏 You’re welcome.

Vomit on my Sweater, Mom’s Spaghetti; a Tale of Stage Fright

What’s your dream job? Mine has always been an SNL skit writer/actor, or comedy entertainer.

One of my (many) goals with my blog was to ultimately make parody videos and skits to really let you all in on my occasionally overly animated and weird personality that doesn’t always translate well in writing or pictures. (Or even in real life unless you really know me and have lived through and understand my level of awkwardness.)

You aren’t able to grasp my tone of voice, sarcastic undertones, facial expressions, impersonations and occasional jerk-off motions in writing, so I’ve been wanting to share more of that with you.  Some of my influences include Rebel Wilson, Melissa McCarthy, Kristin Wiig, the late and great OG Chris Farley, as well as Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, and pretty much every funny person who ever lived.

Five years ago when I quit my office job, I had decided it was time to stop trying to fit this round peg into a square hole and to start living out my creative passions and entertainer urges. So I brainstormed, researched and did a bit of Googling, and I ultimately decided to sign up for a Second City stand-up comedy class in Toronto. Yup, I signed up for a once a week class, in a city 4 hours away from my home.

Some of my favorite comedic legends trained at the Second City, so I figured it would be a great place to start. Having recently completed a Live Your Best Life workshop that posed the question about my passions, comedy was the first thing that came to mind. The workshop focused on self improvement and overall well being, and it helped empower me to break down my fears and visualize what my ideal life and career would look like.

It also helped me to accept myself as a round peg in a square hole, and understand that my mind is completely wired in “R mode” as my 11th grade art teacher referred to it. Right brainers, where you at? Who needs logic when we have all this creativity to use!

So I took the leap! I drove out to Toronto once a week for the entire duration of the program, to try my luck at comedy because I knew I was passionate about laughing and making people laugh. The last “class” was an actual performance in front of an audience at a comedy club in Toronto. GULP.

AND I SUCKED. BAD. Like vomit on my sweater, mom’s spaghetti. I kept on forgetting what I wrote down, the whole crowd got so loud, I opened my mouth but the words wouldn’t come out, I was choking now.

Eminem lyrics aside, my anxiety got the best of me. I wanted to literally DIE as the bright lights shone on my red cheeks and I choked on my own saliva while desperately trying to recall any part of my act.

I even resorted to calling out to my husband in the crowd, “Hey hunny, what the hell is my act about?” which people responded to with laughter (yay!) but only because they assumed it was all part of the schtick. But in my sad reality I was actually desperately hoping he’d throw me any line from the act that I had rehearsed in front of him 800 times and had now forgotten.

It was a huge blow to the dreams I had of becoming an entertainer, much like the former singing career I had attempted in my 20’s. I was capable of singing, writing and recording songs behind the curtains, doing my best Britney stage twirls and hair flips in the comfort of my home, but put me on stage and actually open those curtains and I would forget how to person, much less sing or perform.

One time a bandmate even placed a keyboard on stage with me so I could pretend to play along to the music; my hope was that it would distract people from my awkwardness on stage. Naturally, I then started worrying more about the audience suspecting that I wasn’t actually playing the keyboard than my quivering voice and trembling knees. Anxiety is a real treat, friends.

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Ultimately, my journey into discovering my passions and looking for a related career led me to home décor and decorating. (Cough, safe, cough.) After the on-stage embarrassment, I quickly talked myself out of comedy and signed up for an online Interior Decorating course. I ended up starting my wood sign décor business for some extra cash, and that kept me busier than I imagined I ever would be.

The home décor business allowed me to be creative and passionate from the comfort of my home, but without the fear of being vulnerable or judged. But this isn’t where I want my story to end. The “problem” with the creative mind is that it is completely full of ideas all the time; add an entrepreneur spirit to the mix and it’s a recipe for a brain bubbling over with Shark Tank visions.

But in comes the self doubt. It is inhibiting my confidence for making comedy videos and REALLY putting myself out there, back on stage but without the stage. It’s a lot easier “performing”  in your own home without all of those eyeballs staring at you in real time

I just haven’t grown the balls or found the time. And I think, what’s the point? I’m 36, it’s not like I’m going to land my dream job on Saturday Night Live now, at nearly effing 40, from a blog or Youtube post, nonetheless. What if I’m not even funny and I suck, and it’s like the stand-up act all over again?

But then I have to tell myself that none of that is the point, the point is that I love and live for humor and I want to bring humor to the world, even if it means completely making an ass out of myself for the sake of making someone laugh and relate. Correction:  ESPECIALLY if it means making an ass out of myself for the sake of making someone laugh and relate.

So why am I telling you about all of this? Well, I’m mostly just warning you about what is probably not destined to happen in the near future, so people don’t think it’s coming way out of left field, because it’s something I’ve wanted to do since the first time I made someone laugh.

I’m also trying to give myself a pep talk in the process. If a couple people are like “yeah girl I laugh at your shit all the time, your Instagram has me in stitches, let’s see what else you’ve got!” then I might build up a bit more confidence to get some of these ideas out of my noggin and onto video. Help me, I’m scared.

And right on cue, in chimes that bitch self doubt again saying, girlllllll, they’d only tell you to record videos because they want to laugh at you, not with you. STAY SAFE, give the people something to pin on Pinterest, people lovvvve that shit!  Talk about your crafts and your home décor hacks, and your stupid diet that isn’t working. Show people all the shit you’ve done from Pinterest, don’t do the weird stuff!

I will say this, we have already made serious progress, friends. I actually started a blog numerous times over the past 10 years and always kept it private before ultimately deleting it. This is my first public blog, hazzaah! Maybe in another 10 years I’ll post my first video, and by that time I’ll be in my late 40’s so it will likely be about menopause and how to make a mean casserole.

Narrator: Stay tuned to the next episode (aka blog post) to find out if Stacey decides to post that funny video, or talk about something truly exciting like home décor. Bom bom bommmmm. Spoiler alert the next episode is about watching paint dry.

One day, maybe we’ll rip that Band-aid off and do the weird stuff.

Do’s and Don’ts of Surviving the First 3 Years with Twins

So you’re pregnant with twins? Congratulations, what a blessing times two! This is a very exciting and magical time where your body will grow to accommodate not one, but 2 tiny miraculous humans.

And while it is a life changing experience that you will undoubtedly cherish every moment of, it also comes with its share of challenges. Which is why I have comprised this handy list of  a few of my personal recommendations for surviving the first 3 years with twins.

Do: have a baby shower and start preparing a list of necessities including bouncy chairs, swings, a double stroller, a baby carrier (or two) and all the latest trendy baby gadgets. Then throw that list away and ask everyone to bring you diapers, booze, and babysitting vouchers because you aren’t going to need all that other crap as much as you’ll need vodka and a nap.

Do: start stocking up on yoga pants and a shit ton of dry shampoo ASAP.  Say goodbye to your real clothes and hello to crotch showers. Baby powder isn’t recommended for babies anymore but you can douse yourself in it and no one will even know how long it’s been since you’ve seen a loofah and hot water.

Do: learn how to nap with your eyes open. You’ll desperately need sleep but you must never take your eyes off these children. I repeat, NEVER.  I blinked one time and one of my twins was swinging from the chandelier while the other was throwing knives at him.

Don’t:  stress yourself out and spend a ton of money creating the nursery of your Pinterest dreams. By the time they are 18 months old, they will find a way to make a shank out of a decorative pillow and you’ll need to strip the entire room down to mattresses and padded walls. As a bonus you can keep the extra money you saved on an expensive nursery to invest in booze. I mean, diapers.

Do: invest in a dual video monitor. And 3 back up video monitors. As well as motion detectors, a security team, and interactive baby gates that can be controlled with your mind to accommodate all dimensions and areas of your home on command. Hopefully they will have invented baby gates with these capabilities by the time you give birth.

Don’t: RSVP to any important functions until they are 4 or 18ish.  You won’t have the energy, the time or the will to attend, and the process of getting out of the house will take you longer than the time you’re actually going to spend at the event.

Don’t:  attempt to take them anywhere in public by yourself between the ages of 2 and 3.5.  I repeat, do not attempt this, unless you enjoy frantically chasing and attempting to capture two writhing naked suicidal toddlers in a public place for 45 minutes while bystanders film it on their cellphones.

Do: ask for help anywhere you can find it. If you don’t have family support there’s always Craigslist or sweet old people strangers at the grocery store. Trust me, they love kids, it’s cool.

Do: be prepared to shut down the annoying and repetitive cliché phrase “YOU HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL” with this response: “Yes, I would love for you to lend a hand. This one has a shitty diaper you can change.”

Do: join a helpful mom Facebook support group or those specifically for moms of multiples. And by do, I mean don’t. Unless you enjoy voluntarily subjecting yourself to pictures of weird rashes and the insides of kid’s mouths and buttholes.  When in doubt, consult with the Google Doctor, or you could try one of those real doctor thingies. I hear they know stuff about things, and are qualified to look at your kid’s butthole.

Don’t: forget to set aside some time for self care. And by ‘set aside some time’ I mean lololololol. And by self care I mean parking the minivan in the driveway with the kids strapped in (read: not able to escape) and happily watching cartoons on the DVD player while you scroll through your phone laughing at memes.

Don’t: let me scare you. Every child is different, every situation is different and my best advice is to learn to laugh at life and any of the challenges that come your way whenever possible. I hope you got a chuckle from this piece, because it was highly exaggerated and completely unrealistic  accurate.  Besides, I know you’ll be awesome at this parenting thing and you’ll have 2 absolutely beautiful little munchkins to shower with love and affection.

But seriously, register for booze.

 

10 things I’ve Learned from My Facebook Detox

It’s been nearly two months since I gave up Facebook, and I don’t have any plans for a return as of yet, but here are a few things I’ve observed so far.

1. I don’t know anyone’s Birthdays. Without Facebook I don’t generally keep track of 500 random people’s Birthdays and I’m not about to start now. Sorry not sorry.

2. I no longer have the play-by-play on what Susan is going to cook for dinner every night. (And I no longer have to care!) Yay.

3. My anxiety is 200000000% better. I’m not sure how many “scare tactic articles” I’ve avoided, but I’m definitely not worried that I have cancer or a rare terminal illness quite as often as I used to, which is a bonus. I haven’t been click baited into reading any stories about children or animals being harmed or killed, and that has legitimately improved my mental health.

Side note, who wants to read these heartbreaking stories anyways? Ugh. Apparently me, because I always get drawn into clicking on them, like a kid who’s been warned not to touch the stove and does it anyways. And then does it again because they didn’t learn the first time. And then they are burnt and crying and scarred for life, and that’s how I feel after reading that stuff. 😞😞

4. NO MORE GAME INVITES.  EFF YOU CANDY CRUSH!!

5. Sales spam, be gone! Look, I respect the hustle, times are tough and it’s expensive to live. I GET IT. I am a small business owner myself with 3 kids at home, and we barely scrape by most months. I really do my best to support and encourage those who run small businesses.

But I feel a bit disappointed when I think I’ve made a new Facebook friend, only to receive an invite be added against my own will to their sales group within 3 seconds of accepting their friend request. Then I get a message another 3 seconds after that and they’re soliciting me to buy or sell something. And here I truly thought Brenda and were going to be new Facebook friends, I feel so betrayed rn. *cue ugly cry*

6. People are throwing shade at me for leaving Facebook. I probably made this one up in my head but I seriously feel like some people are judging me for it. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve committed a social sin by leaving Facebook, but it’s not you, it’s me. I’m breaking up with Facebook for my own sanity, and I still love you boo. I just don’t really need to know how much laundry you did today because it makes me feel super shitty about the growing pile of dirty laundry that I haven’t touched in a week. Text me pics of your cute kids tho, k? (Just not every 5 seconds, save some for the family scrapbook. Muah, love you!)

7. My anxiety is 200000000% better. Did I mention that already? Well I’m mentioning it again, and this time I’m crediting it to avoiding 5 million notifications a day. Kudos to anyone who can keep on top of all these Facebook groups, and run several business pages, and keep their kids alive, and shower every day, and respond quickly to every message from every human in their business and their life, and cook Pinterest worthy dinners, and kill their workouts, and get to places on time and not want to smash their phone with a sledge hammer. I am not one of those people. (Clearly.) 😳

8. I get into way less imaginary arguments with people in the comments sections. Listen Susan, just go back to posting about your meatloaf, because at least it’s slightly less offensive than your rants about breastfeeding in public. (Looks kinda gross though, tbh)

9. I don’t receive any more chain letters. Woo hoo, I am no longer at a risk of death if I don’t share your post in 6 minutes, stand on my head, tag 14 friends and do the chicken dance.🙃

10. I don’t have 500 “friends.” I have maybe 20, and half of them are family. Yup, I haven’t had any interaction with majority of my Facebook friends and I’m pretty sure most of them haven’t noticed my absence. Which I’m not mad about, I’m just making a point about the loose term “friends” on Facebook. Facebook is the new Days Of Our Lives, and a lot of people are there for the show.

I realize that most of these issues are my own issues, which brings me back to #6 -it’s not you, it’s me. And I swear I’m not bitter, I’m just kind of in a disagreement with Facebook right now and the two of us aren’t tight at the moment but I still got mad love for social media. *First bump to the chest*

I love that we are connected more than ever to the world through technology and I realize that there are SO many amazing benefits to social media, but at the same time, it can be completely overwhelming and have negative side effects too.

We can feel alienated by subconsciously comparing our lives to other people, comparing our followers, our bodies, our hair, our dinners, and our relationships. And most of the time we are only seeing the highlight reel, or the staged version of people’s lives, not the bigger picture.

We fire passive aggressive missiles at each other through inspirational quotes and vague status updates instead of actually communicating. And we lose sight of what is real.

Nobody’s life looks like a perfectly color-coordinated Instagram feed. People don’t live in a black and white reality with occasional pops of the colors blush and champagne. Because that would be weird.

I crave a simpler time, like the 80’s and 90’s, where you could eat poptarts with reckless abandon and no one judged you. Your parents sent you outside to play with the neighbourhood kids until it got dark and you always came home (mostly) in one piece.

You would occasionally talk to people on a phone that was attached to your wall, but you didn’t live inside your phone, you lived in reality. You didn’t do everything for a perfectly staged picture for social media, you did it just to live it.

So no, I’m not missing Facebook yet, and disconnecting has enabled me to simplify my life and manage my own anxieties.

If you need me I’ll be over here with my Walkman and fanny pack on, sending handwritten letters to my penpals, like the good ol’ days, not ever knowing what Susan cooked for dinner and somehow still surviving.

How to Avoid Your Wife in 10 Easy Steps

Is your wife on your case lately? Does she complain that you drink too much beer, don’t do enough around the house, and spend too much time with your butt glued to the couch? Is she constantly giving you the side eye for reasons you don’t quite understand? Don’t worry, we have compiled a foolproof list of 10 ways to completely avoid her incessant nagging and demands so that you can go back to living your best life at your Mom’s house in no time!

1. So you don’t want to carry in the groceries, help with the dinner, take out the garbage or listen to the kids scream? This particular method is only a temporary solution and one that can be utilized up to a maximum of 3 times a day before she starts to get suspicious, but it’s highly effective for avoidance of small tasks or annoyances. Take the poop escape route. Tell her you need to take a dump and stay in the bathroom for as long as possible. I repeat, AS LONG AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. 2-3 hours is best.

2. If she gives you a grocery list and you’re not in the mood for grocery stores or lists, waste no time or effort on this bogus list, it doesn’t sound important anyway. I mean there’s gotta be enough diapers to get by, and if not, you can probably make some out of duct tape and toilet paper, because you’re handy like that.

3. If your wife asks you to fix something around the house that you’re fully qualified to complete, but you’re okay with living in a shithole, just completely avoid it for 6 months (or more!) until something implodes and you have to move out of your home. Huzzah, you may be homeless now but at least she’s off your back!

4. Next time she texts you a list of errands to accomplish on your way home from work, ignore the list and get beer instead. Tell her you didn’t get the text until you were at home in the driveway. Offer her a beer as an apology.

5. She’s been budgeting the money; she said things are tight lately and that you need to cut back on spending temporarily. What a control freak! Don’t listen to that noise man, this is the PERFECT time to make a huge purchase for yourself. Go all out, buy that Mustang you’ve always wanted, you deserve it. Bills and groceries are overrated anyways.

6. She’s home with the kids all the time and needs a breather, so she’s leaving you with all of them while she goes to the store. ALL OF THEM. NOOoooo, this cannot happen! Make sure that when she returns, the house is absolutely destroyed, nobody is clothed, there’s a live alligator in the living room and maybe even lose a kid for good measure. Trust me, she won’t leave you with them ever again.

7. It’s the weekend, the kids are going stir crazy and you just want to sit on the damn couch with a beer for 48 hours, but she’s trying to plan yet another annoying activity to keep them occupied. ABORT THIS MISSION IMMEDIATELY. Tell her you’ve been called into work for an emergency job and go to a buddy’s house to drink beer instead.

8. She’s called you 6 times in a row at work. Answer, but before she can get a word in, tell her your boss is coming and you can’t talk, then HANG UP quickly before she can nag you some more or give you more lists. Better yet, find a cement truck to run your phone over and demolish it so she can’t call you at all. Doesn’t matter if you work at an office, just get creative and smash that sh!t!

9. You must never, under any circumstances, answer to your name being called, even if she is screaming it at the top of her lungs or seems to be in distress. She probably just wants you to help with some other crappy errand around the house. Train your brain to hear only compliments or things relating to sex or meat.

10. If she asks you to help with laundry, or dishes or any other household chore, oblige, but do the shittiest job humanly possible. Break her favorite mug, make sure a red shirt gets thrown in with the white load of laundry and stains everything pink, break the washing machine itself. YOU MUST DO WHATEVER IT TAKES so she will never ask you to help with these pesky chores again.

There you have it, you’ve managed to avoid your wife and her never ending demands! If you are sure to follow this list regularly and don’t falter, I can assure you that when you want to have sex with her, she will 110% likely to be in the mood. Winning!

31 Reasons Moms are Late

 

Dear Mr Principal of my child’s school
Re: Chronic Lateness

As per your request I am confirming receipt of your letter in regards to being late 30 times this school year. Thank you so much for pointing this out, I hadn’t actually noticed that we have been late nearly every day; this is absolutely brand new information!

I’d like to apologize for our tardiness and offer 30 reasons why we have not made it to school by 9am this school year. (Make that 31 since tomorrow will be another inevitable sh!t show).
1. 2. 3. 4. 5 This accounts for many days of lateness, but robbers keep breaking into our house at night and stealing our hats, gloves, and shoes. They only seem to steal one piece to each set, so they’re obviously working for some next level covert operation that we don’t even know about. We have contacted the police and we are hopeful that they can locate the mysterious disappearance of our cold weather gear, but in the meantime, we are sleeping with one eye open.

6. Did you know that car seats are infested with sharks? I didn’t either. But based on the force with which my screaming toddlers refuse to be strapped into their car seats in the morning, I’ve concluded two things: 1) car seats have shark teeth that gnash at children’s bottoms upon being seated 2) Making your body as stiff as a board for as long as possible while screaming uncontrollably is the best way to avoid being put into a car seat, and causes optimal stress levels to your car seat assailant.

7. My child decided he needed a shower at 8:55 am because he “had to go poop and the toilet paper wasn’t working right.”

8. 9. The dog snuck off in the night and hid a poop in the shag rug. What a fun game! The toddlers discovered said poop in the morning and decided it would be fun to play in it and eat it. This accounts for 2 days of lateness because only in my household can we be blessed with this wonderful ordeal occurring multiple times.

10. “Get dressed for school” translated to a child is “do something completely irrelevant that wastes 15 minutes and do NOT get ready for school.”

11. Peanut butter breakfast fight. Aka I’ve lost my will to live.

12. “Why is your brother bleeding?” and “stop eating dirt” are apparently just things I say in my house now. Cue the bath and band-aids.

13. It was 8:57 am and I’d been informed that the dog peed on my son’s winter coat. The replacement coat offered was not sufficient for the child as per his screaming refusal to wear it for 16 minutes straight.

14. 15. PARKING ENFORCEMENT was being all enforcey about not parking or stopping anywhere in the vicinity of the school or the planet earth. I decided that I wasn’t going to park 5 miles away only to wrestle toddlers into their stroller (see #6 re: shark teeth car seats and appendix b: getting them into strollers takes 40 minutes ). I opted instead to drive around the block until they vacated the premises.
Still received a $75 parking ticket in the mail a week later.

16. 17. 18. 19. Oh hey mom, we’re in the car now and I thought this was a good time to let you know that it’s wear red day, or donate something day, or show and tell day, or I need to bring money for something and now we’re going to have to go to the bank before school day.

20. 21. I laid in bed a little too long in the morning imagining I was drinking a pina colada on a beach in Mexico by myself, with the hot sun burning on my skin and hearing nothing but the sound of the waves and…….
“MOM”
“mommm”
“MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!”
Nevermind, my alarm clock went off.

22. 23. That time I walked into the twins room and found a war scene of explosive diarrhea. That time happened twice.

24. 25. I ran a marathon before school. And by marathon, I mean I chased toddlers in circles for 40 minutes trying to put on their socks, jackets and hats. It’s a great full body workout, and at the end, no one is wearing their socks, jackets or hats but you’re still breaking a serious sweat.

26. There was an argument with my child because I told him he could not in fact wear his underwear to school with a toothpaste stained Tshirt.

27. That day we made it to school on time and it was a PA day. No, it doesn’t fit into this list of reasons why we have been late but I thought you should know we were on time that day. Yas!

28. 29. There were no clean underwear or pants or socks. My job title should be laundry maid, and apparently I should be fired because even with the 8 million loads I do per week, there’s still never anything clean.

30. Sliding screen doors and naked MacGyver toddlers who escape sliding screen door lock mechanisms to go streaking in the back yard.

31. I don’t even know, this is just our life now.

In conclusion, I’d like to offer my apologies once again for our lateness and let you know that I’m being proactive about finding a solution as I am in the beginning stages of developing an app that allows you to send children to school using only your mind. I’m hoping it can also send me to that beach in Mexico where I have a Pina Colada waiting for me.